Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Bottom Ten: Brought to you by Yeah, Who? Sports

By Steve Harvey
7,234 hours ago

The Colleges

Still bitter over being edged out for the Bottom Ten title last year, Akron's Zips erupted with a vengeance in their opener, falling completely apart in a 14-56 loss to Central Florida.

The Zips, who went 1-11 last year, shot to the top of the bottom, demonstrating they have what it doesn't take this year to be ranked the worst team in college football.

Meanwhile, New Mexico, the defending champ, opened with a shocking 66-21 win over Southern (La.) and was suspended from the rankings for six weeks by the Bottom Ten's baffled replacement selectors (the regular selectors are on strike).

Another 2011 contender, Indiana, defeated Indiana State, 24-17, in the annual intrastate clash that culminates the two schools' exhausting seasons. Indiana finished 1-0 while Indiana State was 0-1. Have a great off-season, guys.

Elsewhere, Rice moved up to No. 2 on the weakness of its 24-49 drubbing by forgotten UCLA. The Ruins, after all, have not been ranked for 78 weeks (not including the time last June that the BCS computers malfunctioned and ranked UCLA No. 1 after a water polo win).

Savannah State, which checked in at No. 11 after an 0-84 heart-breaker to Oklahoma State, would have been ranked higher expect that Savannah dominated the action in the all-important time-of-possession category. Savannah had the ball for 34:13 while OSU had it for a humiliatingly low total of 25.47 minutes.

And how about a hand for North Carolina, which was retroactively awarded the Bottom Ten titles for 2008 and 2009 after forfeiting all its wins during that period due to academic violations (a time and place for award ceremonies has not been announced).

Team, Record........Last Loss......................... Next Loss

1. Akron (0-1) ............14-56, Central Fla.......... Fla. International
2. Rice (0-1)............... 24-49, UCLA.................. Kansas
3. Cal (0-1)................. 24-31, Nevada................ Southern
4. The SMUs (0-1).....24-59, Baylor.................. Austin
5. Pitt (0-2)* .............10-34, Cincinnati............Va Tech
6. Michigan (0-1)...... 14-41, Alabama.............. Air Force
7. Houston (0-1)....... 13-30, Texas St. ..............La. Tech
8. Kentucky (0-1)..... 14-32, Louisville.............. Kent St.
9. Auburn (0-1)......... 19-26, Clemson.............. Ole Miss St.
10. Ga. Tech (0-1)..... 17-20, Va. Tech ..............Presbyterian

11. Savannah State (0-1); 12. Southern (La.) (0-1); 13. Indiana St. (0-1); 14. Boise St. (0-1); 15.
Colorado (0-1); 16. Colgate (0-1); 17. Iowa (1-0)**; 18. Gone Fishing; 19. Florida International (0-1); 20. Being kept open for USC pending investigation of newest allegations against Trojans.

Others Receiving Votes (in alphabetical order): None.

*Leads nation in defeats.
**Beat Northern Illinois by one point; 'nuf said.

Crummy Game of the Weak: Akron (0-1) vs. Florida International (0-1).

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The Pros

What have Eli Manning and Tom Coughlin done lately? Message to Giants: Get rid of 'em!

Wreck, Record........Last Loss.......... Next Loss

1. N.J. Giants (0-1)..... 17-24, Dallas ....Grampa Bay
2. 30 teams tied at 0-0.

Crummy Game of the Weak: Jacksonville (0-0) at Minnehaha (0-0).

Friends don't let friends watch the Jets: Blogger Scott Pianowsky on speculation that offensive coordinator Tony Sparano of the hapless Jets was saving his best plays for the regular season: "And just maybe Matthew Perry's latest inane comedy is saving the best jokes for next month."

Just say neigh: The NFL ruled that Denver linebacker D.J. Williams tried to manipulate a drug test, possibly with nonhuman urine. "So, in addition to his 6-game NFL ban," wrote Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times, "he's been declared ineligible for next year's Kentucky Derby."

Zoned out: USA Today's Chris Chase on the Dallas Cowboys' decision to have one security guard watch trouble-prone wide receiver Dez Bryant off the field: "This may be a foolish decision...Dez doesn't seem to have much trouble shedding one-on-one coverage."

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