To live and drive in L.A.

Hey, even drive-thrus have limitations --- though you'd never guess it by looking at the boarded-up portion of an Angel Food restaurant in Long Beach. The intruder in this case was after the ATM inside --- and didn't get it, I'm told.

***

Closing the barn door after the driver has bolted...
I was reminded of a years-ago photo by Benjamin Reuben of a similarly re-arranged Westside eatery.

***

Someone badly in need of a sugar fix?
Then there was the 2004 shot by Donald Bentley of a La Puente landmark that had some of its chocolate knocked off by a wild motorist. Jimmy Rodriguez of Fontana says a local newspaper commented at the time that the doughnut obviously wasn’t jelly-filled.

***

No calorie worries, obviously
Ron Weintraub of Randy's Donuts, by the 405 in Inglewood, gave me a photo of a chipmunk munching on one of his products. Even a chipmunk’s smart enough to know not to bury one of these tasty things.

***

Water, water, nowhere
You may have read that the scoreboard of the Dallas Cowboys’ new stadium hangs so low that punters have been banging kicks off it. And the new Yankee Stadium has drawn complaints of obstructed views not to mention a wind-tunnel effect in right field that makes for cheapo home runs.
That’s the thing about new buildings. They always have a few surprises.
Ours out here are no different:
--Disneyland opened with almost no water fountains in 1955. Uncle Walt said that because of a plumbers strike he’d had to choose between constructing restrooms or drinking fountains first. He chose restrooms, he said, because "people can buy Pepsi Cola but they can’t pee in the street."
--Dodger Stadium made its debut in 1962 with just two water fountains -- one in each team dugout. But owner Walter O’Malley had plenty of beer and soft drinks available at the concession stands.
--The Pyramid, Long Beach State’s basketball arena, developed leaks early on in 1994. They were repaired. It was not -- I repeat NOT -- the Curse of the Pharaoahs.
--When the Getty Center opened in 1998, visitors complained of a shortage of both restrooms and drinking fountains. There was no shortage of bottled Getty Water on sale, though!

***

Attn.: Fashion Police
In North Hollywood, Alex Auerbach snapped a photo of a store that seemed to share the same bad opinion of hangers that Faye Dunaway did as Joan Crawford in "Mommy Dearest."

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Unclear on the concept
Bill Doty of Sylmar saw a reminder that "nothing says refreshing like a nice glass of HOT milk.”

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Food for thought
In Cabo San Lucas, Dennis Levin of Larchmont spotted a restaurant that had adopted the maxim that the customer is always wrong. A maxim long ago adopted by phone companies and cable services.

***

Pokin’ along…
Have you heard that commercial on the radio where a doctor offers to give you a "fingerprint of your eye?" I couldn't help but think of all the times Moe thumbed Curly's orb in "The Three Stooges." Curly had plenty of Moe’s fingerprints on his eye.

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miscelLAny
"As I was walking into Starbucks near the corner of Ventura and Laurel Canyon the other day,” writes Josh Mankiewicz, "a guy panhandled me. Nothing unusual about that --- except that to do it, he had to briefly interrupt the cell-phone conversation he was having.”

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com.

Carrying on about carry-on

These airport security rituals can be embarrassing. After I’d gone through the x–ray procedure at San Jose's airport the other day, a guard informed me, "You have a cylinder in your bag."
I nodded. He pulled out the cylinder and shook it. The faint sound of powder could be heard swishing around. Satisfied, the guard put it back in my bag, thus letting onlookers know that I was free to board the plane with my Metamucil.
Maybe I ought to switch to capsules.

***

Law and order (cont.):
Danny Lehrer hopes that dogs driving down the street of this Hollywood neighborhood will be careful to read one warning sign.

***

Ears to the ground
"In 'Oklahoma!' lyricist Oscar Hammerstein wrote, "The corn is as high as an elephant’s eye; And it looks like it’s climbin’ clear up the sky."
In Burbank, meanwhile, Marla L'Angelle points out that the corn's as low as a sewer's drain, and it looks like it's trying to climb out of the gutter.

***

More food for thought:
In Manhattan, funnyman Phil Proctor noticed a magazine that might give you indigestion.

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Which reminds me
Bill Doty of Sylmar hopes that a sign at Cal State Los Angeles didn’t mean the students were becoming nauseous.

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Unclear on the concept
In announcing that ex-USC quarterback Mark Sanchez had been named an opening-day starter for the New York Jets, a Channel 9 sports guy raved the other night about what a great pre-season Sanchez was enjoying. Just one clip of Sanchez was featured. It showed him having a pass intercepted and run back for a touchdown by the other team.

***

Such a deal
In Brentwood, Bart Everett saw an empty seat next to a "chair for rent" notice in the window. The latter actually referred to a barber’s station inside.

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Is that "$Paid" or "Spayed?"
"On first glance--indeed, on second and third glances," writes Gerald Jones, "this notice seems to be giving advice to people who reproduce.”

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Unoffical economic indicators
"Hard times hit the Westside," was the way Norm Sklarewitz headlined his photo of a limo for sale.

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miscelLAny
A panhandler riding the Blue Line the other night called out to the passengers in his car: "Excuse me! Excuse me! Could someone lend me $27,000 and 14 cents? I promise to pay you back.”
He settled for $2 and exited at the next stop. Maybe that’s where he had his limo parked.

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com.

Letter imperfect

At the birthday party of a high school chum, I was introduced to another grad from my school, Hamilton High. When the grad heard my name she said, ``Steve Harvey. Didn't you play baseball?" I was bowled over because, while I'd been on the varsity 46 years ago, I was just a benchwarmer. Then my chum said to her, "You're thinking of Garvey" (the ex-Dodger first baseman). She said, "Oh, that's right." Oh well.

***

Talk about non-support

In this horrible recession, it should come as no surprise that nearly everyone's holding yard sales. And some people seem to be willing to sell anything, as Sara Ormenyi noticed in Van Nuys.

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Yard sale Hall of Fame

My all-time favorite notice was immortalized several years by by Otto Plum.

***

Back to split-ups...

"In Los Angeles, it seems, the sanctity of marriage is always in trouble," says writer Tom Greene. "But even I thought these two could make it. They had such a sunny-side attitude. But this is L.A., where relationships are a dime a dozen, or rather $1.98 a dozen at Trader Joe's..."

***

No-man's land:

In San Luis Obispo, I spotted a directional sign for wives, at a fabrics shop.

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Abandonment, auto-wise...

In Atlanta, Rich Hackenberg found an area where you're forbidden to abandon your motor vehicle. I guess the rest of the city is wide-open, though!

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Open real wide...

Ex-Angeleno Steve Beale, now a Bay Area resident (and for that we forgive him), noticed an office for people who put their foot in their mouth.

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Duh! Award winner

My daughter Sarah snapped a sign that dressed down dim-wits in an Orange County store.

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Was he a pure bread?

One of my wife's newspaper buddies saw an accident report featuring a type of dog that sounded like a marijuana product.

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miscelLAny:

And, finally, Chasing Fire Flies magazine has the cutest ad for a Marie Antoinette "limited-edition doll." Open-necked. It's billed as "a dream-come-true doll for any girl." Right up to poor Marie's beheading, I presume. Cost of the toy is $260, which is in line with reports of Marie's extravagant lifestyle. At that price you'd think you'd at least receive a toy guillotine, as well.

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com.

A bouncing baby...knee?

We all know how the health care system has reached the point where insurance companies practically station representatives in the operating room to make decisions. So I shouldn’t be surprised about the letter a friend received. She planned to have a knee operation but the insurance company has evidently ruled she must have a different type of procedure.

***

From the heart
Phil Proctor of Beverly Hills found a display of holiday cards for A.I.G. executives.

***

Thanks, but…
I’ve heard of people having their houses shown in Architectural Digest magazine. I’ve never known any, of course, but I’ve heard of it happening. And what kind of an offer do we get in our neighborhood? As a fellow on my street asked, “Do they think we look like space aliens?”

***

The Gospel according to Curly Joe?
“I had my 4th graders fill in the blanks to complete a trio of words, such as `Stop, Look and____’” writes teacher Terri Lau of North Hollywood. "Two boys who were working together asked for a Bible so they could look up the answer to `Larry, Moe, and ____.’”

***

Food for thought
I guess if you took these two Long Beach burger shops’ signs literally there’s no doubt which one you would have to choose.

***

Barking up the wrong tree
An ex-colleague came across a traffic report involving a breed of dog I had never heard of.

***

Those Westsiders sure know how to live.

In Santa Monica, I noticed they can even get special service for their luxury bicycles. Pity the poor valets. These vehicles have no radios for them to listen to-no station settings to change.

***

Show biz backstabbing
You know it goes on. In fact, David Batterson found an ad for such on craigslist.

***

MiscelLAny:
Here’s a case that could have gone to the U.S. Supreme Court.
A bike-rider showed up at the Long Beach Courthouse to handle a fix-it citation for a bad taillight on his car, the Beachcomber newspaper reported.
Asked by the judge if he had taken care of the problem, the defendant produced paperwork indicating he had had the car demolished.
Yes, but had he fixed the taillight first? the judge asked.
No came the answer.
The judge compromised and let him off with a $20 fine.

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com.

The case of the guerrilla housekeepers

Tracy Hartley rushed out on an errand, leaving her front door unlocked. Some minutes later, her daughter arrived at Hartley’s house and phoned her to ask, “Who are all these people in our house?”
They were six Asian women and they were cleaning the premises.
“My daughter kept saying there was a mistake,” Hartley related, “but they (the women) kept saying, ‘Friend Sue pay us.’”
It turned out that Sue (whoever she was) had treated a friend to a surprise house-cleaning. But the women had showed up at the wrong place -- right house number but one street over.
Eventually one of the cleaning ladies called a son who spoke English and the women were off to the real address of Sue’s friend.
Meanwhile, Hartley’s 3-year-old grandson, who loves to vacuum, demanded to know why someone else was doing his job. He was assured that he had not been laid off.

***

Name game
I wrote recently of funny-sounding geographical names in Great Britain -- names such as Crapstone, Penistone and East Breast.
Carol Gwenn didn't want the United States to be cut short in this department.

“My all-time favorite is the charming hamlet of Toad Suck, Ark.," she wrote. "What WERE the city fathers thinking?”
A related question might be: “How sober were the city fathers?”
Toad Suck’s website says tradition has it that “the community was named for early inhabitants -- be they gamblers or river boatmen -- who ‘sucked up whiskey like toads.’”

***

Language!
In New Zealand, Howard Rosen found a street name that doesn’t translate very well. It’s actually the name of a local bird (but one, nevertheless, that I wouldn’t want flying directly above me).

***

Fair warning
In Germany, Susan Jagosz chanced upon a town whose name cast doubt on its status as a vacation spot.

***

I beg your pardon!

And, at a Mongolian airport, Marna Geisler saw a sign that one hopes was not directed toward the pilots.

***

Moron (cont.)

I was reminded of the Woody Allen comedy, “Love and Death,” in which a 19th century Russian town announces a village idiots convention with a marquee that says, “WELCOME IDIOTS.”

***

Good gracious
After a Channel 2 preview about the case of a murdered man, the screen was filled with this logo:
"CBS News -- Very Good News"

***

The latest bailout

Good to see that the 99 Cent Store chain is offering assistance to a needy part of the population.

***

Health fanatics need love too
Columnist David Allen of the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin saw an ad for a Valentine’s Day gift apparently directed toward the fitness set.

***

Does Fritz lip-sync the weather?
Well it seemed that way the other day when Mr. Coleman was delivering his Channel 4 report and, though his lips were moving, he was making no sounds. After about 30 seconds of the silent TV, he realized he’d forgotten to turn on his microphone.

***

Letter imperfect

Richard Seibel of Glendale sent along a newsletter that his daughter received from the Public Works Department of Corvallis, Ore., which needs to work on the spelling of the word "Public.”

***

miscelLAny

Among the burgs honored in the "20 Best Small Towns” issue of Sunset Magazine is Del Mar, Calif. The publication said the average price of a house there is $1,104,388. I don’t know why I never thought of moving to Del Mar. Heck, at a bargain price like that, I could buy a house for our older daughter, too.

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com.

Name that town_if you dare

Attention, off-season vacationers:
If you’re looking for a destination with an enchanting name, you have your choice of such spots as Crapstone, Penistone, Titty Ho, Spanker Lane and Crotch Crescent in England, the New York Times recently pointed out.
Not to mention Butt Hole Road.
Most of the names have vague but possibly innocent origins. For instance, some Crapstoners (or would that be Crapstonians?) believe their name means “place of the rocks.” And Butt Hole Road appears to refer to the area’s historic role as a source of water (a water butt is a collector).
But (I almost said “butt”), I was disappointed that the article left out one England name that Bruce Thompson of Huntington Beach shared with me a while back (see below). You have to wonder how much restaurant business the Barf Bed and Breakfast Inn does.

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The Barf Inn (cont.)
The woman in the photo, incidentally, is Thompson’s wife Janis, who “was a little reluctant to pose,” he said. “Fortunately, she didn’t notice the landlady glaring at her from the window until after I snapped the shot.”

***

In case you're wondering
On one Internet site I read that “barf” meant beard in merry olde England.

***

Sister city of Barf?
A few years ago, Nat Read of Pasadena found a sign in New Zealand with a seemingly similar theme.

***

Other intriguing names
In Germany, there’s a town you could apparently find with a map or a nose.

***

Road-ragers’ warning? In Italy, Judy Armstrong chanced upon a sign seemingly asking motorists to stay in good spirits--which, if you’ve ever driven in Italy, you know is impossible.

***

Ooh la la, not
And Alyson Ross once saw a notice prohibiting certain group activities in France (of all places).

***

Speaking of l’amour
A newspaper ad for a product that seemed to promise good sex for eternity (see below) called to mind another comedy, “Is There Sex After Death?” Alas, in case you’re interested in the answer, one researcher in the film said there is no sex in the next life, “only affection.”

***

Unclear on the concept
Kent Bridwell contributed this phenomenon--electrified wood.

***

MiscelLAny:
After the seizure of 200 ceramic donkeys stuffed with marijuana in Fontana, one federal agent commented to the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin: “It gives new meaning to the term ‘drug mule.’”

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey.

Drinking it up in Long Beach

A waitress in the Long Beach Renaissance Hotel asked a couple of friends of mine if they’d like to order some “Natura” water.
What’s that? they asked.
She explained it comes in three varieties, “Sparkling, Eco-Friendly and Room Temperature.”
Tap water would be fine, the waitress was told.
“So,” she said ominously, “you want Long Beach?”
Sounded as though it came straight from a lagoon.

***

Thanks for sparing us the details
I really don’t wish to know anything more abut the crime that was reported in a Big Bear newspaper.

***

Mistaken identity?
Bennett Mintz of Chatsworth saw a found-pet poster that methinks is a practical joke. (I bet this cat is adept at playing possum).

***

Out on a limb
In England, Jerry and Barbara Hill chanced upon a shop that can provide you--or your sofa--with a new leg.

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Hopping right along
Then there’s the local store that has just the thing for 3-legged racers.

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From peg-legs to strong-arms
In Pismo Beach, Fred Hindler noticed a market whose shopping carts apparently lack wheels.

***

Dream team
On the television news the other night, I saw an interview with a fellow who was out on bail after being arrested in an LAX parking lot. Authorities had found weapons and ammo in his car; he claimed he had just come from a firing range. Anyway, the guy did something I've never seen before. He introduced--and thanked--his two bail bondsmen, who smiled for the camera.

***

Will this business be burned?
Did you read where Long’s Drug Stores and Rite Aid plan to swap some stores? Looks to me like one Long’s has decided to go into a different line of work.

***

He didn’t have a prayer
For your collection of Stupid Criminal Tricks, consider the burglar who broke into a church on the Westside--unaware that he was inside an LAPD crime perimeter set up for another bad guy. The burglar set off an alarm and a patrol unit inside the perimeter ambled over to put the cuffs on him. Very convenient. The Thin Blue Line, an LAPD publication, headlined the incident, “When Not to Go to Church.”

***

Oh, yes
The cops got the first suspect, too. I believe that’s called a two-fer.

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It’s come to this
Study the “MPH” portion of this sign on the Long Beach Freeway. Yes, I guess it’s true. The state’s finances are so bad that graffiti taggers are being hired to help make Caltrans signs.

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miscelLAny
I love overhearing squibs of conversation and trying to figure out what they mean. As I passed by two women in a mall the other day, I heard one say: “And then the dentist ran away.” From what--a patient that even mouthwash couldn’t help?

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.