The case of the guerrilla housekeepers

Tracy Hartley rushed out on an errand, leaving her front door unlocked. Some minutes later, her daughter arrived at Hartley’s house and phoned her to ask, “Who are all these people in our house?”
They were six Asian women and they were cleaning the premises.
“My daughter kept saying there was a mistake,” Hartley related, “but they (the women) kept saying, ‘Friend Sue pay us.’”
It turned out that Sue (whoever she was) had treated a friend to a surprise house-cleaning. But the women had showed up at the wrong place -- right house number but one street over.
Eventually one of the cleaning ladies called a son who spoke English and the women were off to the real address of Sue’s friend.
Meanwhile, Hartley’s 3-year-old grandson, who loves to vacuum, demanded to know why someone else was doing his job. He was assured that he had not been laid off.

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Name game
I wrote recently of funny-sounding geographical names in Great Britain -- names such as Crapstone, Penistone and East Breast.
Carol Gwenn didn't want the United States to be cut short in this department.

“My all-time favorite is the charming hamlet of Toad Suck, Ark.," she wrote. "What WERE the city fathers thinking?”
A related question might be: “How sober were the city fathers?”
Toad Suck’s website says tradition has it that “the community was named for early inhabitants -- be they gamblers or river boatmen -- who ‘sucked up whiskey like toads.’”

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Language!
In New Zealand, Howard Rosen found a street name that doesn’t translate very well. It’s actually the name of a local bird (but one, nevertheless, that I wouldn’t want flying directly above me).

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Fair warning
In Germany, Susan Jagosz chanced upon a town whose name cast doubt on its status as a vacation spot.

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I beg your pardon!

And, at a Mongolian airport, Marna Geisler saw a sign that one hopes was not directed toward the pilots.

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Moron (cont.)

I was reminded of the Woody Allen comedy, “Love and Death,” in which a 19th century Russian town announces a village idiots convention with a marquee that says, “WELCOME IDIOTS.”

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Good gracious
After a Channel 2 preview about the case of a murdered man, the screen was filled with this logo:
"CBS News -- Very Good News"

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The latest bailout

Good to see that the 99 Cent Store chain is offering assistance to a needy part of the population.

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Health fanatics need love too
Columnist David Allen of the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin saw an ad for a Valentine’s Day gift apparently directed toward the fitness set.

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Does Fritz lip-sync the weather?
Well it seemed that way the other day when Mr. Coleman was delivering his Channel 4 report and, though his lips were moving, he was making no sounds. After about 30 seconds of the silent TV, he realized he’d forgotten to turn on his microphone.

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Letter imperfect

Richard Seibel of Glendale sent along a newsletter that his daughter received from the Public Works Department of Corvallis, Ore., which needs to work on the spelling of the word "Public.”

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miscelLAny

Among the burgs honored in the "20 Best Small Towns” issue of Sunset Magazine is Del Mar, Calif. The publication said the average price of a house there is $1,104,388. I don’t know why I never thought of moving to Del Mar. Heck, at a bargain price like that, I could buy a house for our older daughter, too.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com.

Name that town_if you dare

Attention, off-season vacationers:
If you’re looking for a destination with an enchanting name, you have your choice of such spots as Crapstone, Penistone, Titty Ho, Spanker Lane and Crotch Crescent in England, the New York Times recently pointed out.
Not to mention Butt Hole Road.
Most of the names have vague but possibly innocent origins. For instance, some Crapstoners (or would that be Crapstonians?) believe their name means “place of the rocks.” And Butt Hole Road appears to refer to the area’s historic role as a source of water (a water butt is a collector).
But (I almost said “butt”), I was disappointed that the article left out one England name that Bruce Thompson of Huntington Beach shared with me a while back (see below). You have to wonder how much restaurant business the Barf Bed and Breakfast Inn does.

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The Barf Inn (cont.)
The woman in the photo, incidentally, is Thompson’s wife Janis, who “was a little reluctant to pose,” he said. “Fortunately, she didn’t notice the landlady glaring at her from the window until after I snapped the shot.”

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In case you're wondering
On one Internet site I read that “barf” meant beard in merry olde England.

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Sister city of Barf?
A few years ago, Nat Read of Pasadena found a sign in New Zealand with a seemingly similar theme.

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Other intriguing names
In Germany, there’s a town you could apparently find with a map or a nose.

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Road-ragers’ warning? In Italy, Judy Armstrong chanced upon a sign seemingly asking motorists to stay in good spirits--which, if you’ve ever driven in Italy, you know is impossible.

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Ooh la la, not
And Alyson Ross once saw a notice prohibiting certain group activities in France (of all places).

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Speaking of l’amour
A newspaper ad for a product that seemed to promise good sex for eternity (see below) called to mind another comedy, “Is There Sex After Death?” Alas, in case you’re interested in the answer, one researcher in the film said there is no sex in the next life, “only affection.”

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Unclear on the concept
Kent Bridwell contributed this phenomenon--electrified wood.

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MiscelLAny:
After the seizure of 200 ceramic donkeys stuffed with marijuana in Fontana, one federal agent commented to the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin: “It gives new meaning to the term ‘drug mule.’”

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey.

Drinking it up in Long Beach

A waitress in the Long Beach Renaissance Hotel asked a couple of friends of mine if they’d like to order some “Natura” water.
What’s that? they asked.
She explained it comes in three varieties, “Sparkling, Eco-Friendly and Room Temperature.”
Tap water would be fine, the waitress was told.
“So,” she said ominously, “you want Long Beach?”
Sounded as though it came straight from a lagoon.

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Thanks for sparing us the details
I really don’t wish to know anything more abut the crime that was reported in a Big Bear newspaper.

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Mistaken identity?
Bennett Mintz of Chatsworth saw a found-pet poster that methinks is a practical joke. (I bet this cat is adept at playing possum).

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Out on a limb
In England, Jerry and Barbara Hill chanced upon a shop that can provide you--or your sofa--with a new leg.

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Hopping right along
Then there’s the local store that has just the thing for 3-legged racers.

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From peg-legs to strong-arms
In Pismo Beach, Fred Hindler noticed a market whose shopping carts apparently lack wheels.

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Dream team
On the television news the other night, I saw an interview with a fellow who was out on bail after being arrested in an LAX parking lot. Authorities had found weapons and ammo in his car; he claimed he had just come from a firing range. Anyway, the guy did something I've never seen before. He introduced--and thanked--his two bail bondsmen, who smiled for the camera.

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Will this business be burned?
Did you read where Long’s Drug Stores and Rite Aid plan to swap some stores? Looks to me like one Long’s has decided to go into a different line of work.

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He didn’t have a prayer
For your collection of Stupid Criminal Tricks, consider the burglar who broke into a church on the Westside--unaware that he was inside an LAPD crime perimeter set up for another bad guy. The burglar set off an alarm and a patrol unit inside the perimeter ambled over to put the cuffs on him. Very convenient. The Thin Blue Line, an LAPD publication, headlined the incident, “When Not to Go to Church.”

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Oh, yes
The cops got the first suspect, too. I believe that’s called a two-fer.

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It’s come to this
Study the “MPH” portion of this sign on the Long Beach Freeway. Yes, I guess it’s true. The state’s finances are so bad that graffiti taggers are being hired to help make Caltrans signs.

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miscelLAny
I love overhearing squibs of conversation and trying to figure out what they mean. As I passed by two women in a mall the other day, I heard one say: “And then the dentist ran away.” From what--a patient that even mouthwash couldn’t help?

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

A real robbin' hood

I caught a report on the Channel 2 news about a guy who robbed a local Baskin-Robbins but left the tip jar alone. He explained that he did so because he thought the workers were doing a good job. Wonder if any of them asked him if they could put him down as a reference on a job resume.

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Translation please!
A friend of Phil Proctor’s brought back a menu with some less than mouth-watering selections from an eatery in China. I can just imagine ordering “Living to explode the salt to frying the meat” and requesting it exploded medium-well.

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Still hungry?
Well, there’s more on that menu including, “Old Adopted Mother Fillet.” Not sure who’s been adopted here.

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Closer to home
In Chicago, Dick Seibel found a sofa ad ripped from the headlines.

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Looking for mates
You’ve no doubt heard about the pirates operating off the coast of Somalia. Perhaps those nervy buccaneers have heard about all the unemployment here. While reading a column by David Allen of the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin I discovered that those sea dogs appeared to recruiting employees in this area.

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Don’t wake the dead!
An item here about cell phones being banned at a funeral brought this note from Bonnie Sloane:
“Cell phones going off at funerals are pretty bad, but at one service my sister-in-law attended, a 'mourner' showed up with a videocam and took shots of everyone in the grieving process.”
Sloane said someone approached the uncaring gent and asked him to stop. “At which point,” she added, “he became belligerent and shouted, `The family ASKED me to do this.'”

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When it comes to sex, they’re animals
In one pet publication, Allen Wilkinson of Whittier came across a product that he figures may have been designed to “boost the self-esteem of male dogs and cats that have been altered.” He added: “What’s next? Breast implants for female dogs? Maybe they could be called ‘Boobs for Bitches.’”

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Typical Southern California concerns
If you’re a procrastinator and are still working on your New Year’s resolutions, perhaps you can get some ideas from this list that a reader found in a parking lot a while back.

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MiscelLAny:

USC alum Bob Finsten reported that he entered his son’s office pool, “which involved selecting all 34 college bowl games. Out of 79 entrants, I came in #79, dead last. My dog, Fern, using dog treats placed on 2 pieces of paper, each with one of the game’s 2 teams written on them, came in 13th, picking over 67% of the winners. I’m taking her to Las Vegas to make my selections.”
Hell, let’s take Fern to Washington. Maybe she can help straighten out the economy.

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

Could Garfield handle this meal?

After all the eating I did over the holidays I hardly dare think about food. Nevertheless, I was struck by the cat food ad spotted by Jenifer Morgan. “Asia Fusion” grub for a feline is unusual enough but notice the chopsticks in the photo. Can’t imagine my cat wielding them. Eating them maybe, but not wielding them.

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Chew on this one
Then, on a trip to Little Tokyo, I chanced upon some chicken that reputedly tastes like Lexus. I’ve heard people speak fondly of the new-car smell, but never the new-car taste.

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More food for thought
A friend of mine nominated the accompanying as most unusual food bulletin of 2008.

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Christmas leftovers
Rick Mitchell passed along a photo of a Texas store that he imagines has unique gift baskets.

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Leftovers, Part II
Gerald Jones was shocked over one gross telephone being sold by Disney, of all people.

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Speaking of phone lines…
Ex-newsman Cliff Dektar was at a funeral where everyone was asked to turn off their cell phones. But was it just mourners the warning was intended for? I was reminded of the urban folk tale concerning pre-World War II evangelist Aimee Semple McPherson, who was said to have been buried with a live landline in her casket.

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For the careless driver who has everything
I guess you can get gift certificates from almost any business these days.

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Now for a guy with real car problems
Steve Propes’ column in Long Beach’s Beachcomber newspaper carried this police log item:
“Third St. and Junipero Ave.: No doubt to add fiber to his diet, a male was observed removing random license plate stickers and putting them in his mouth at about 8:15 a.m.”
Can you imagine being pulled over for a missing plate sticker and telling the officer, “Honest, my next door neighbor ate it”?

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A “holiday” item
Right, I didn’t say “Christmas” because disbelievers were obviously the target for this ad about “atheistically” pleasing rooms.

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And, finally, 2008’s Sig-alert of the Year:
In West Hollywood, Phil Proctor found what appeared to be the last stop of one gift-giver.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

Who says lawyers are worthless?

An LAPD detective received a call from a lawyer asking if the officer was looking for his client for grand theft auto. The detective wasn’t, “at least until the phone call,” wrote the Thin Blue Line, a police publication.
The officer did some checking and found they had a huge file on the client, who was on parole for three felony convictions.
Then he leafed through his auto theft reports and found that one theft had been carried out the day of the phone call -- about a mile from the client’s residence in Tujunga.
The victim, who had observed the suspect, was shown a photographic lineup and picked out the client, who was arrested.
Who says attorneys are worthless to society?

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Dueling signs
Abbye Brenner recently sent me a photo of a strip mall with a pizza joint next to a weight-loss parlor. It reminded me of a juxtaposition of competing businesses with in Long Beach. As Brenner asked in her note, which place do you visit first?

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Dueling signs, Part II
Bob Reiter, meanwhile, recalled a standoff between a perfume shop and a cigar store in Pasadena. He says the perfume shop eventually left, either because of rising rents or rising smoke.

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Seeing red
Have you noticed Bank of America’s new nameplate? Looks as though the bank could just peel it off if it needed to skip town in a hurry.
Red, in case you hadn’t noticed, is the new theme color in B of A’s latest redecorating scheme. Red carpets inside, red furniture, red signs. Sort of strange, especially in this economic climate. You wouldn’t think a bank would want to be in the red.

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Unclear on the concept
“I don’t know what a ‘spill center’ is,” writes Judi Birnberg of Sherman Oaks, “but its placement outside a bathroom seems like a good idea.”

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Good news for moms-to-be
I wrote that my daughter, Sarah, found a parking area restricted to pregnant drivers in Tucson (see photo), which prompted Jeffrey Lee to write: “The Block in Orange has an array of ‘Expectant Mothers’ parking places. You don’t need to park in Tucson.”

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Shock treatment

Suzanne Moore of Long Beach read that a local firm has a somewhat unusual name, considering it’s an electric company.

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Starving, illiterate actors
David Batterson found the following on craigslist -- a perfect Halloween item if you go by the spelling.

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miscelLAny
My nephew, Nick Stein, noticed that everything was coming up -- and down -- roses at one intersection in Long Beach on Thanksgiving Day. There was a fight between two sidewalk vendors, who were wielding their flowers as weapons. At least it wasn’t guns ‘n’ roses.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

That's one way to save gas

I hate discrimination but I have to sympathize with the fast-food joint in Cypress that refused to serve a rowdy guy at the drive-through window late the other night. After all, as the crime log of the Los Alamitos News-Enterprise pointed out, the would-be diner was on foot.

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Thanks, but…
Lanette Baumann noticed that the Inland Valley Humane Society's website offers medical procedure for senior citizens. Not sure if my medical plan covers it.

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No euphemisms here
Some liquor stores adopt a la-di-dah attitude in their signage, with terms like "fine spirits."
Not so a store that Dick Seibel found in Glendale.

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Awkward Translations Dept.
In Tokyo, Bruce Chapman found a poop-scoop plea that seemed to be addressed to anyone, regardless of whether they owned a pet.

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They don't want to vote with their feet
Don't get the idea that everything's cushy at USC. The Daily Trojan reported that the university supplied a tram for students who wanted to vote on Election Day -- but only after the kids complained that they might be late for classes because the "polling stations are more than a mile from campus."
More than a mile! Wouldn't want to wear those poor things out.

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Speaking of ordeals...
On the other hand, it does seem to me to be asking a lot of an amoeba to have to navigate more than a block to park, as a sign outside a music shop in Hollywood instructed.

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Food for thought:
Reading Cormac McCarthy's novel "No Country for Old Men," I found something familiar about the passage in which suddenly-rich welder Llewelyn Moss has this exchange with a young runaway he's giving a lift:
"You hungry?" he asks.
"I could eat a bit," she answers.
"You want some diesel fried chicken?" he asks.
"What?"
Moss points to a sign overhead.
"I can't eat no thing like that," she says.
Anyway, I checked my files and, sure enough, about a decade ago Daniel Love sent me a photo of that sign, which he found in Van Horn, Tex. Can't remember if they showed the sign in the movie -- but then again I had my eyes covered in the theater most of the time, afraid that that villain with the murderous stun gun would show up.

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It's that time of the year for Channel 9…
Yup, L.A. Lakers season. Which means KCAL's game telecasts will be interrupted by promos for sex-oriented items on that night's news as the station strives desperately to persuade its young (and not-so-young) male viewers to stay tuned afterward. The other night, a Channel 9 anchor advertised "our nightly profile of a Laker Girl."

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miscelLAny:
During the election campaign, John Wade of Newbury Park had this recording on his telephone: "Hello. We aren't answering your call right now, because we already know who to vote for. So, please leave a message, and we'll call you right back, if you are not a politician. I'm John Wade, and I approve this message."
By the way, looking over the propositions on the ballot I found one that no phone-callers lobbied me about.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.