Paper or plastic? Boy or girl?

Barbara Joan Grubman of Woodland Hills saw a sign in a Ralphs market that said: "Pregnancy tests can now be gotten at the check-out stand." Wonders Grubman: "Hmm, would that be the checker or the box person who would be giving them?"

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Dept. of What's Going On?
First, there were all those water mains bursting in L.A. More recently, Channel 2's local news broadcast a segment that showed Department of Water and Power workers visiting strip clubs during working hours and drinking beer while driving in DWP trucks. Who's in charge of that agency, anyway? Reminds me of a sign that Phil Proctor saw at one DWP facility.

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Too good to pass up?
Memorial Day weekend is coming up. I wonder if the Oregon business spotted by Dick Seibel last December will renew its not-so-tempting holiday offer.

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Food for thought
Phil Proctor also found a joint where you can get an unusual main dish with a side of hashed browns.

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And chew on this
I might hesitate before driving a Toyota product. But Ken Bensinger found something even more daunting in Little Tokyo -- a dish that tastes like a Toyota.

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Lexus chicken (cont.):
The owner told L.A. Weekly he used that phrase because Lexus is a prestige brand. What he should have said is: "Once you start eating this, you can't put the brakes on your appetite!"

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Still playing chicken
Bart Boydston told the sad story of the feathered creatures who arrive at one business: "They park. They go inside. They don't come out."

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Hard to swallow
As for the "lamp" curry menu item mentioned in my last column, Perry Valantine of Costa Mesa theorizes it's a diet dish ("Indian food light").

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Proof that Spring is in the air:
Dr. Patrick Mauer noticed that a bulletin at Good Samaritan Hospital takes a romantic view of an on-line resource available to the staff.

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On the shy side...
A Long Beach restaurant advertises a very proper rib dinner.

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How the McCourts raise money for their divorce attorneys
Overheard from a fan at Dodger Stadium, who had just noticed that one foreign beer at the concession stand costs $13.50: "For that price, you should get a lap dance, too."

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miscelLAny: Louis Quatorze (XIV) is associated with a furniture style. But I never knew what Louis III was famous for until I saw the sign below.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com.

A real robbin' hood

I caught a report on the Channel 2 news about a guy who robbed a local Baskin-Robbins but left the tip jar alone. He explained that he did so because he thought the workers were doing a good job. Wonder if any of them asked him if they could put him down as a reference on a job resume.

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Translation please!
A friend of Phil Proctor’s brought back a menu with some less than mouth-watering selections from an eatery in China. I can just imagine ordering “Living to explode the salt to frying the meat” and requesting it exploded medium-well.

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Still hungry?
Well, there’s more on that menu including, “Old Adopted Mother Fillet.” Not sure who’s been adopted here.

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Closer to home
In Chicago, Dick Seibel found a sofa ad ripped from the headlines.

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Looking for mates
You’ve no doubt heard about the pirates operating off the coast of Somalia. Perhaps those nervy buccaneers have heard about all the unemployment here. While reading a column by David Allen of the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin I discovered that those sea dogs appeared to recruiting employees in this area.

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Don’t wake the dead!
An item here about cell phones being banned at a funeral brought this note from Bonnie Sloane:
“Cell phones going off at funerals are pretty bad, but at one service my sister-in-law attended, a 'mourner' showed up with a videocam and took shots of everyone in the grieving process.”
Sloane said someone approached the uncaring gent and asked him to stop. “At which point,” she added, “he became belligerent and shouted, `The family ASKED me to do this.'”

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When it comes to sex, they’re animals
In one pet publication, Allen Wilkinson of Whittier came across a product that he figures may have been designed to “boost the self-esteem of male dogs and cats that have been altered.” He added: “What’s next? Breast implants for female dogs? Maybe they could be called ‘Boobs for Bitches.’”

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Typical Southern California concerns
If you’re a procrastinator and are still working on your New Year’s resolutions, perhaps you can get some ideas from this list that a reader found in a parking lot a while back.

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MiscelLAny:

USC alum Bob Finsten reported that he entered his son’s office pool, “which involved selecting all 34 college bowl games. Out of 79 entrants, I came in #79, dead last. My dog, Fern, using dog treats placed on 2 pieces of paper, each with one of the game’s 2 teams written on them, came in 13th, picking over 67% of the winners. I’m taking her to Las Vegas to make my selections.”
Hell, let’s take Fern to Washington. Maybe she can help straighten out the economy.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.