Drinking it up in Long Beach

A waitress in the Long Beach Renaissance Hotel asked a couple of friends of mine if they’d like to order some “Natura” water.
What’s that? they asked.
She explained it comes in three varieties, “Sparkling, Eco-Friendly and Room Temperature.”
Tap water would be fine, the waitress was told.
“So,” she said ominously, “you want Long Beach?”
Sounded as though it came straight from a lagoon.

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Thanks for sparing us the details
I really don’t wish to know anything more abut the crime that was reported in a Big Bear newspaper.

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Mistaken identity?
Bennett Mintz of Chatsworth saw a found-pet poster that methinks is a practical joke. (I bet this cat is adept at playing possum).

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Out on a limb
In England, Jerry and Barbara Hill chanced upon a shop that can provide you--or your sofa--with a new leg.

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Hopping right along
Then there’s the local store that has just the thing for 3-legged racers.

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From peg-legs to strong-arms
In Pismo Beach, Fred Hindler noticed a market whose shopping carts apparently lack wheels.

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Dream team
On the television news the other night, I saw an interview with a fellow who was out on bail after being arrested in an LAX parking lot. Authorities had found weapons and ammo in his car; he claimed he had just come from a firing range. Anyway, the guy did something I've never seen before. He introduced--and thanked--his two bail bondsmen, who smiled for the camera.

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Will this business be burned?
Did you read where Long’s Drug Stores and Rite Aid plan to swap some stores? Looks to me like one Long’s has decided to go into a different line of work.

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He didn’t have a prayer
For your collection of Stupid Criminal Tricks, consider the burglar who broke into a church on the Westside--unaware that he was inside an LAPD crime perimeter set up for another bad guy. The burglar set off an alarm and a patrol unit inside the perimeter ambled over to put the cuffs on him. Very convenient. The Thin Blue Line, an LAPD publication, headlined the incident, “When Not to Go to Church.”

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Oh, yes
The cops got the first suspect, too. I believe that’s called a two-fer.

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It’s come to this
Study the “MPH” portion of this sign on the Long Beach Freeway. Yes, I guess it’s true. The state’s finances are so bad that graffiti taggers are being hired to help make Caltrans signs.

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miscelLAny
I love overhearing squibs of conversation and trying to figure out what they mean. As I passed by two women in a mall the other day, I heard one say: “And then the dentist ran away.” From what--a patient that even mouthwash couldn’t help?

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

A real robbin' hood

I caught a report on the Channel 2 news about a guy who robbed a local Baskin-Robbins but left the tip jar alone. He explained that he did so because he thought the workers were doing a good job. Wonder if any of them asked him if they could put him down as a reference on a job resume.

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Translation please!
A friend of Phil Proctor’s brought back a menu with some less than mouth-watering selections from an eatery in China. I can just imagine ordering “Living to explode the salt to frying the meat” and requesting it exploded medium-well.

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Still hungry?
Well, there’s more on that menu including, “Old Adopted Mother Fillet.” Not sure who’s been adopted here.

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Closer to home
In Chicago, Dick Seibel found a sofa ad ripped from the headlines.

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Looking for mates
You’ve no doubt heard about the pirates operating off the coast of Somalia. Perhaps those nervy buccaneers have heard about all the unemployment here. While reading a column by David Allen of the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin I discovered that those sea dogs appeared to recruiting employees in this area.

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Don’t wake the dead!
An item here about cell phones being banned at a funeral brought this note from Bonnie Sloane:
“Cell phones going off at funerals are pretty bad, but at one service my sister-in-law attended, a 'mourner' showed up with a videocam and took shots of everyone in the grieving process.”
Sloane said someone approached the uncaring gent and asked him to stop. “At which point,” she added, “he became belligerent and shouted, `The family ASKED me to do this.'”

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When it comes to sex, they’re animals
In one pet publication, Allen Wilkinson of Whittier came across a product that he figures may have been designed to “boost the self-esteem of male dogs and cats that have been altered.” He added: “What’s next? Breast implants for female dogs? Maybe they could be called ‘Boobs for Bitches.’”

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Typical Southern California concerns
If you’re a procrastinator and are still working on your New Year’s resolutions, perhaps you can get some ideas from this list that a reader found in a parking lot a while back.

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MiscelLAny:

USC alum Bob Finsten reported that he entered his son’s office pool, “which involved selecting all 34 college bowl games. Out of 79 entrants, I came in #79, dead last. My dog, Fern, using dog treats placed on 2 pieces of paper, each with one of the game’s 2 teams written on them, came in 13th, picking over 67% of the winners. I’m taking her to Las Vegas to make my selections.”
Hell, let’s take Fern to Washington. Maybe she can help straighten out the economy.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

Could Garfield handle this meal?

After all the eating I did over the holidays I hardly dare think about food. Nevertheless, I was struck by the cat food ad spotted by Jenifer Morgan. “Asia Fusion” grub for a feline is unusual enough but notice the chopsticks in the photo. Can’t imagine my cat wielding them. Eating them maybe, but not wielding them.

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Chew on this one
Then, on a trip to Little Tokyo, I chanced upon some chicken that reputedly tastes like Lexus. I’ve heard people speak fondly of the new-car smell, but never the new-car taste.

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More food for thought
A friend of mine nominated the accompanying as most unusual food bulletin of 2008.

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Christmas leftovers
Rick Mitchell passed along a photo of a Texas store that he imagines has unique gift baskets.

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Leftovers, Part II
Gerald Jones was shocked over one gross telephone being sold by Disney, of all people.

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Speaking of phone lines…
Ex-newsman Cliff Dektar was at a funeral where everyone was asked to turn off their cell phones. But was it just mourners the warning was intended for? I was reminded of the urban folk tale concerning pre-World War II evangelist Aimee Semple McPherson, who was said to have been buried with a live landline in her casket.

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For the careless driver who has everything
I guess you can get gift certificates from almost any business these days.

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Now for a guy with real car problems
Steve Propes’ column in Long Beach’s Beachcomber newspaper carried this police log item:
“Third St. and Junipero Ave.: No doubt to add fiber to his diet, a male was observed removing random license plate stickers and putting them in his mouth at about 8:15 a.m.”
Can you imagine being pulled over for a missing plate sticker and telling the officer, “Honest, my next door neighbor ate it”?

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A “holiday” item
Right, I didn’t say “Christmas” because disbelievers were obviously the target for this ad about “atheistically” pleasing rooms.

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And, finally, 2008’s Sig-alert of the Year:
In West Hollywood, Phil Proctor found what appeared to be the last stop of one gift-giver.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.