Who says lawyers are worthless?

An LAPD detective received a call from a lawyer asking if the officer was looking for his client for grand theft auto. The detective wasn’t, “at least until the phone call,” wrote the Thin Blue Line, a police publication.
The officer did some checking and found they had a huge file on the client, who was on parole for three felony convictions.
Then he leafed through his auto theft reports and found that one theft had been carried out the day of the phone call -- about a mile from the client’s residence in Tujunga.
The victim, who had observed the suspect, was shown a photographic lineup and picked out the client, who was arrested.
Who says attorneys are worthless to society?

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Dueling signs
Abbye Brenner recently sent me a photo of a strip mall with a pizza joint next to a weight-loss parlor. It reminded me of a juxtaposition of competing businesses with in Long Beach. As Brenner asked in her note, which place do you visit first?

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Dueling signs, Part II
Bob Reiter, meanwhile, recalled a standoff between a perfume shop and a cigar store in Pasadena. He says the perfume shop eventually left, either because of rising rents or rising smoke.

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Seeing red
Have you noticed Bank of America’s new nameplate? Looks as though the bank could just peel it off if it needed to skip town in a hurry.
Red, in case you hadn’t noticed, is the new theme color in B of A’s latest redecorating scheme. Red carpets inside, red furniture, red signs. Sort of strange, especially in this economic climate. You wouldn’t think a bank would want to be in the red.

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Unclear on the concept
“I don’t know what a ‘spill center’ is,” writes Judi Birnberg of Sherman Oaks, “but its placement outside a bathroom seems like a good idea.”

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Good news for moms-to-be
I wrote that my daughter, Sarah, found a parking area restricted to pregnant drivers in Tucson (see photo), which prompted Jeffrey Lee to write: “The Block in Orange has an array of ‘Expectant Mothers’ parking places. You don’t need to park in Tucson.”

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Shock treatment

Suzanne Moore of Long Beach read that a local firm has a somewhat unusual name, considering it’s an electric company.

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Starving, illiterate actors
David Batterson found the following on craigslist -- a perfect Halloween item if you go by the spelling.

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miscelLAny
My nephew, Nick Stein, noticed that everything was coming up -- and down -- roses at one intersection in Long Beach on Thanksgiving Day. There was a fight between two sidewalk vendors, who were wielding their flowers as weapons. At least it wasn’t guns ‘n’ roses.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

That's one way to save gas

I hate discrimination but I have to sympathize with the fast-food joint in Cypress that refused to serve a rowdy guy at the drive-through window late the other night. After all, as the crime log of the Los Alamitos News-Enterprise pointed out, the would-be diner was on foot.

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Thanks, but…
Lanette Baumann noticed that the Inland Valley Humane Society's website offers medical procedure for senior citizens. Not sure if my medical plan covers it.

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No euphemisms here
Some liquor stores adopt a la-di-dah attitude in their signage, with terms like "fine spirits."
Not so a store that Dick Seibel found in Glendale.

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Awkward Translations Dept.
In Tokyo, Bruce Chapman found a poop-scoop plea that seemed to be addressed to anyone, regardless of whether they owned a pet.

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They don't want to vote with their feet
Don't get the idea that everything's cushy at USC. The Daily Trojan reported that the university supplied a tram for students who wanted to vote on Election Day -- but only after the kids complained that they might be late for classes because the "polling stations are more than a mile from campus."
More than a mile! Wouldn't want to wear those poor things out.

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Speaking of ordeals...
On the other hand, it does seem to me to be asking a lot of an amoeba to have to navigate more than a block to park, as a sign outside a music shop in Hollywood instructed.

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Food for thought:
Reading Cormac McCarthy's novel "No Country for Old Men," I found something familiar about the passage in which suddenly-rich welder Llewelyn Moss has this exchange with a young runaway he's giving a lift:
"You hungry?" he asks.
"I could eat a bit," she answers.
"You want some diesel fried chicken?" he asks.
"What?"
Moss points to a sign overhead.
"I can't eat no thing like that," she says.
Anyway, I checked my files and, sure enough, about a decade ago Daniel Love sent me a photo of that sign, which he found in Van Horn, Tex. Can't remember if they showed the sign in the movie -- but then again I had my eyes covered in the theater most of the time, afraid that that villain with the murderous stun gun would show up.

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It's that time of the year for Channel 9…
Yup, L.A. Lakers season. Which means KCAL's game telecasts will be interrupted by promos for sex-oriented items on that night's news as the station strives desperately to persuade its young (and not-so-young) male viewers to stay tuned afterward. The other night, a Channel 9 anchor advertised "our nightly profile of a Laker Girl."

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miscelLAny:
During the election campaign, John Wade of Newbury Park had this recording on his telephone: "Hello. We aren't answering your call right now, because we already know who to vote for. So, please leave a message, and we'll call you right back, if you are not a politician. I'm John Wade, and I approve this message."
By the way, looking over the propositions on the ballot I found one that no phone-callers lobbied me about.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

A pointed reminder

I guess even we 60-and-over folks become nervous about inoculations. How else do you explain a sign at a clinic for seniors in Culver City? The sign listed the steps that needed to be taken in order to receive a flu shot, the last of which was: "Pick up medicine." I got in line feeling relieved -- I'd just carry the medicine home, no pain. Uh uh, I didn't "pick up" anything. I got poked with a needle.

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Dueling signs…
Abbye Brenner spotted a couple of competing businesses in La Crescenta and wondered in what order one would patronize them.

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A commentary on study habits?
A friend of Mrs. Only observed a curious piece of graffiti on a building at UCLA.

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More from Westwood…
Perry Jaster of West Hills noticed a rather philosophical alarm panel in another campus building. Audible silence? If an elevator falls in the woods, does anyone hear it?

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Don't know much about geography
Meanwhile, across town, a USC website encountered a problem spelling the name of a city in Arizona. Or is it in Italy?

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Which reminds me
My daughter Sarah noticed a restrictive parking sign in Tuscon, excuse me, Tucson, and wondered how a driver would prove she was in a family way. Pull out a sonogram?

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Related item
In the Cook Islands, Mike Montgomery chanced upon a government billboard that reminds drivers leaving home to prepare for everything, and I mean everything.

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Sticks and stones…
Teacher Valerie Anne Bishop says the younger kids at San Rafael Elementary School in Pasadena sometimes mix up the two teachers whose names start with "B" (Bishop and Bemiller) and the principal (whose last name is Beecher). Bishop's first name, Val, adds to the confusion.
"The other day," she related, "I said good morning to an early arriving second-grader and his response was 'Good morning, Mrs. Vulture.'"

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How the neighbors talk
I don't know why San Diegans love to take pot shots at L.A. Is it jealousy? San Diego Magazine carried a letter from Ocean Beach resident Christina Guthrie who complained about a previous cover featuring a "James Bond lookalike and his angry girlfriend" (see below) and speculated that they "came from Los Angeles central casting." Not a very inviting pair.
"Surely," she added, "there are some pretty, happy, exciting San Diegans who'd be willing to pose for the cover … We're so much more warm and friendly."
I tell you, I attended a Dodger game in San Diego a while back, and the fans snarling at the Dodgers weren't so warm and friendly.

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miscelLAny: Mr.Gorbachev -- tear down this wall as well! La Habra is in Orange County while neighboring La Habra Heights is in L.A. County.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

An early trick-or-treat?

Let's start with David Chan of L.A., who saw a restaurant notice with a salutation that seemed in keeping with the Halloween season.

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Was he up to speed?
We don't want to make any assumptions about the photo taken by Sparky Greene in Malibu but a certain ticket lawyer may need the services of a ticket lawyer.
"I called 'Stan,' the lawyer, whose number is on the car, and asked what the violation was," Greene reported. "He said it was a traffic stop for a cell phone. Also offered to send him the picture but I think he wasn't amused."

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Don't bother the chef…
Investigating a wild party, LAPD officers saw a man look at them and then race up some stairs. Finding the staircase blocked by uncooperative revelers, one officer vaulted onto a nearby barbecue grill "and used it as a stepping stone to the railing of the second floor," reported the Thin Blue Line, a police newspaper. The fleeing civilian turned out to have a gun and was arrested.
But what impressed the cops was the chef at the grill.
"Perhaps if you or I were standing in front of that grill holding a spatula and wearing a chef apron, we might have already moved out of the way at the sight of three police officers chasing a felon," the Thin Blue Line said. "Not this man, however. No, his only response at the sight of Officer Nathan Beck's dashing pursuit was to exclaim, 'Don't step on my meat!'"

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Anyone for sliders?
If the "actual" description in a barbecue grill ad is correct, Joyce Beffel figures it must make thimble-sized burgers. And probably wouldn't serve as a useful stepping stone in police chases.

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Motoring to a different drummer:
Barry Rothman of San Diego was heading home when he found himself behind "a person in a convertible doing one-half the speed limit and, of course, he was in the left hand lane. The person was throwing his hands up in the air as if he were doing a wave at a Dodgers game. He was also weaving. I decided to speed up and go by quickly on the right."
And what did Rothman see?
The driver "was playing the bongos, which were between his knees, which is why his hands were going up and down. I said to myself I guess it could have been worse. He could have been playing a baby grand piano."

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Food for thought:
The Phuket Thai restaurant in Long Beach sells a T-shirt to ensure against disastrous pronunciations of its name.

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Back to the future
In Costa Mesa, Bruce Thompson of Huntington Beach spotted an unusual sign at a medical clinic that was closed. "Presumably, building maintenance people turned the sign panel backward when the clinic moved out," he said. Or, Thompson wonders, does the clinic treat visual problems?

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For men only
I haven't encountered many ice-filled troughs in restaurant men's rooms since the 1960s and 70s. I remember Julie's, near USC, had one. (I've also never been able to determine the function of the ice but we don't need to go into that). Anyway, Panama Joe's in Long Beach is one of the last holdouts in this category. And novelist David Ferrell, an old colleague, noticed a reassuring sign above the urinal there.

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For men only (cont.)
I snapped the photo, by the way. And how about some applause for my courage? You don't know what uneasiness is until you're in the process of taking a picture in a men's room and someone walks in. At least it wasn't the women's room.

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miscelLAny:
The Associated Press carried a story about an L.A. court decision involving "videotaped footage of the late Anna Nicole Smith's breast-augmentation surgery." Anatomically speaking, "footage" doesn't seem like the best word to use in connection with "breast augmentation" surgery.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

The stupid-criminals file

Three LAPD officers were patrolling downtown when several people came running toward them. After listening to what happened, "as told in three different languages," the officers realized a robbery suspect was on foot down the street, reports the Thin Blue Line, a police publication.

Luckily, the guy made things easier for the gendarmes by hopping a bus that was coming TOWARD them. They stopped the vehicle and arrested him -- just another suspect who needs to work more on his getaway strategy.

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Instant justice?
Sylvia Sullivan of Thousand Oaks read the headline of a local paper and concluded it was a case of no judge, no jury. Guess they're really tired of lawyers up there!

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A little privacy, please:
Outside a chiropractor's office, Daniel Cook of Santa Ana saw an offer apparently aimed at voyeurs.

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You get what you pay for:
Evelyn Hill of Malibu spotted an ad for what seemed to be some aging peaches. Enjoy!

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Speaking of paying…:
Carl Hetrick of Carpinteria read about a type of event that you wouldn't think could be "sold" out.

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One chase you won't see on "Cops":
When Claremont police tried to pull over a 19-year-old who was weaving down the road, he merely "waved at them," the Claremont Courier reported. A low-speed chase ensued. At least, it was "low-speed" from the officers' point of view -- he was on a skateboard.
They arrested him for public intoxication.
Said columnist David Allen of the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin: "As a citizen of Claremont, I'm relieved this pursuit ended before police had to lay down the spike strips."

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Still on the crime beat:
Brian Monahan of Venice noticed that local sculptor Tim Cotterill has an unusual guard animal.

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More food for thought:
Armand Vaquer chanced upon the menu for a sushi shop that seems to have a low regard for its L6 item.

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Cheap dates:
Philippe's, the French dip emporium in L.A.'s Chinatown, held a 100th birthday celebration on Oct. 6 by offering food at the century-old prices of 10 cents for a sandwich and a nickel for a cup of coffee. (Normally, Philippe's charges an outrageous 10 cents for java.)
Lately, columnist Tim Grobaty of the Long Beach Press-Telegram has been receiving e-mails telling him that In-N-Out would observe its 60th anniversary on Oct. 22 by selling burgers for a quarter and drinks for a dime.
Hold that order!
Grobaty checked with In-N-Out and found it's a hoax. "We don't discount," a spokesman told him. "We never have." I love a business with proud traditions.

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miscelLAny:
My family and I were entering a Long Beach restaurant when we heard someone on the sidewalk tell another person: "They said he was on a bicycle and he had a gun."
We asked for indoor seating.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

A business that doesn't know whether it's coming or going

Not sure if it's a reminder of how uncertain the economic climate is but Bob Reiter found a Pasadena store that's taking no chances, holding simultaneous "Closing" and "Grand Opening" sales.

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Your Dream Shack

Speaking of economic indicators, Wendy Hornsby of Long Beach spotted this bedraggled offering by none other than American Dream Realty in Monterey County.

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And for That Dream Shack...

Craig Walker chanced upon a Westside business whose spelling might floor you. "It's a discount store," Walker said. "I wonder if they got a discount on the sign?"

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Flying Conditions Are Getting Miserable:

"Here's a photo from my last airplane trip, which was completely filled," wrote Susan Jagosz of Huntington Beach. "I think this is where they put you if you don't have a proper seat assignment."

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The Third Time Was Not a Charm

A KFWB anchor uttered the word "executer" instead of "executor" three times in a story about a legal matter -- blurting out "you know what I mean" after the third booboo.

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Meanwhile, Back on the Ground...

It looks as though a Santa Monica bus line is daring passengers to come aboard.

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Polly Want a Ladder?

Once again crime is getting out of control in Laguna Beach. Officers were dispatched to a residence after a caller's parrot flew into a neighbor's tree, reported the police log of the Laguna News-Post. The owner said she "needed to get the parrot down but the neighbors refused to let her on their property . . . (The) parrot was captured before they arrived."

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Tired of Having Elevator Doors Slam on You?

Well, in Panorama City, John Welch of North Hollywood was relieved to come upon a sign in a hospital that said: PATIENT ELEVATOR.

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Man, Those Westsiders Sure Know How to Live!

In a West L.A. supermarket, I heard a man in my aisle say into his cellphone, "OK, we'll go to Dubai then."

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miscelLAny:

Long-time newspaper photographer Loran Smith of Pacific Palisades snapped the marquee of a Santa Monica church that assured followers that casual dress goes back to Biblical times. You can imagine what good news this was in Santa Monica.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

Wall Street gets religion

Terri Lau of North Hollywood reports that a fourth-grade math teacher at her school showed the class one particularly difficult problem and asked, “What should we do to solve this?”
One boy piped up: “Pray!”
An approach that a lot of Wall Street executives might agree with these days.

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Or you could go up the down staircase:
The elevator in the Beverly Hills office building where Christian Boyce works runs into some problems with its multi-tasking. The hard-working thing shows both the direction it's heading as well as the floor it's on. So, as you can see, the result can be confusing when it's trying to say that it’s going down and it's at the upper level.

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The suspense is killing me:
I'm not a follower of the TV series, “Prison Break,” but I noticed that it's in its third year. Geez, when are they going to pull off that escape? And hasn't anyone on the other side of the bars gotten suspicious yet?

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Language, please!
Jeanne Lee wants you to know that one oddly-described item she bought did not refer to an employee who'll do anything to please the boss, but to a “magic kiss butterfly.” Of course, I suppose some bosses might like one of those, too.

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What's wrong with using a good ol' pillow case?
“My house was broken into and luckily I was not at home,” writes Barbara Grubman of Woodland Hills. “Whoever did it took mainly costume jewelry, albeit, lovely items.”
But here was the real insult.
“The way they took it out of the house,” she said, “was in several of my favorite collectors' shopping bags. At least they could have brought their own.”

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Department of Redundancy Dept.:
Joe Dymkowski of Santa Ana noticed that a local fast-food joint could have gotten by with one sign.

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Unclear on the Concept:
Lela Rodriguez of Arcadia came upon an unusual suggestion for preparing fruit.

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Unclear on the Concept, II:
In West L.A., Amy Glin saw a supermarket sign placed by someone who's either a bit obtuse or has an evil sense of humor.

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You can't relax anywhere anymore:
Mike Montgomery visited a restaurant in the idyllic Cook Islands and chanced upon a Dom Perignon on the menu that was accompanied by the words “Price by Negotiation.”
What if this practice spreads?
Imagine having to take a lawyer with you every time you go out to dinner.

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miscelLAny:
In a men's room at UC Irvine, Chad Edwards spotted a sign that said: “To conserve energy, toilets & urinals are being flushed with reclaimed water. UNSAFE FOR DRINKING.”
Reasoned Edwards: “The warning must have been intended for extremely parched athletes or perhaps highly educated dogs.”

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.