The Ultimate Sig-Alert

In the new movie, "Battle: Los Angeles," a soldier with a besieged group of folks is told by a superior: "Get them off the goddamn freeway." Yes, the Angelenos were suffering the ultimate nightmare--being attacked from outer space while stuck on the Santa Monica Freeway.

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Waist disposal?

David Batterson wonders if he stumbled on to some new type of diet fad on the internet.

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"Duh!" Award Winner A sample test from the Department of Motor Vehicles includes a question about some long, thin models I've never seen on a freeway.

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Unofficial economic indicators

In San Diego, Meredith Sewell found an ATM with a very tight monetary policy.

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Unclear on the concept

This video shop didn't know which end was up, which may be one of the reasons it went out of business.

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Taking his role literally

While in San Francisco I ran into a true PAN-HANDLER. (He's smiling because I gave him a dollar for letting me take his photo).

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Such a deal

I think it was wise of this company to make it clear to customers that it sells "modern" computers, not outdated ones.

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Or maybe go by dogsled

My old Times colleague Bob Pool writes: "Got an ad at home yesterday from the MTA (Metro Transit Authority) promoting ditching the car for the bus...Got a mailer hanging on my front door this a.m. from Morrie Sage's Universal City Nissan urging that I 'get off he bus and march over to us with O% financing (on select models).'"

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X-rated dish?

While in Huntington Beach I was shocked by the title of one granola product. I knew that kind of thing went on in the Valley, but in Orange County?

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I beg your pardon!

Dr. Patrick Mauer, a spell-check fancier, wasn't insulted when he received a note from a urologist telling him he was insane. Mauer figured out that it was supposed to mean that a patient's "urine" had been "sent for culture." It's a crazy world.

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miscelLAny: I don't mind that movie theaters order spectators to turn off their cell phones before the feature starts. But couldn't they also remind folks to turn their phones BACK on when the movie ends? I can never remember. And I am insane for culture.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com

The new math: Thanksgiving Day times seven

We received a recorded phone message from my son's high school, reminding us that (because of budget cutbacks), he'd have an entire week of vacation for Thanksgiving, not the customary two days.

I can't imagine that a single kid in the school had to be reminded of this good fortune.

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This political paranoia is getting out of hand

On Election Day, my wife was taking the Blue Line home from downtown L.A. when it experienced problems and was held up for more than a half hour. One rider shouted, "They're trying to keep us from voting!"

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Talk about a delayed vote count!

In Las Cruces, N.M., Bruce Welmers found shocking evidence that the Democrats did not win the 2008 presidential election. (Fill in punch-line here.)

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Holy Toledo

Marna Geisler saw a warning about thieves at an unlikely site in Istanbul -- a church.

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Unclear on the Concept

Geisler also chanced upon an Istanbul restroom sign whose logic didn't hold much water.

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The meat of the problem

Ira Newlander thought the placard-waving street person who approached him for a handout was a veteran. After Newlander's daughter gave the man a dollar, Ira asked him, "Where did you serve?"

"What do you mean where did I serve?" the chap responded. "I'm looking for something to eat. The Indian place has soup but it's three bucks and I have a dollar."
"Your sign says, 'Hungry Veteran,'" Newlander explained, "so I thought I'd ask where you served."
It was then that Newlander noticed that the sign actually said, "Hungry Vegan."

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As if finding a parking place isn't tough enough...

Bob Becker of West L.A. noticed a patch of curb where apparently only animals can park.

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You think you have problems

Did you hear about the El Monte man who was accused of domestic violence by his wife? When police arrived they found pieces of paper in his coat that resembled bank hold-up notes. And the suspect resembled the so-called "Golden Years Bandit" who has been active making cash withdrawals at gun point in that area. He was turned over to the FBI.

Dueling signs

I wonder if any customers of one Long Beach tutor ever demand a free SAT re-test for their children.

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Football prognosticator?

In the Bay Area, Jeff Bliss saw a sign for a psychic who said she was able to delve into the "pass," present and future. (Shouldn't she have been able to foresee that her signmaker was a careless speller?)

By the way, why is that psychics are never males?

miscelLAny

Jay Berman of Manhattan Beach received a card that was addressed to "Resident or Current Resident."

Said Berman: "That pretty well covers it."

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com

How desperate is job market?

David Batterson noticed that one company openly admitted it would mistreat the poor soul that it hired for an intern position.

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Talk about a bargain
In this economy, most everyone has to spend carefully so I'm happy to pass on the news that one Westwood food stand includes the hole when you buy a doughnut.

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Buy a doughnot go to jail
If I were you, I wouldn't say anything about the price of pastry at the First and Hope Downtown Supper Club.

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More food for thought
In West L.A. Barry Nackos found a joint serving sushi that, we hope, tastes better than what its name indicates.

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That's Hollywood
My former colleague Bob Burns notes that things were really hopping in his neighborhood during a recent film shoot.

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Not exactly standard equipment
I heard a traffic advisory for a car with a forgetful driver on the San Diego Freeway. Seems the motorist had pulled away from a pump without uncoupling the hose. Reminded me of a similarly absent-minded type who was photographed by Dan Sarokin of North Hollywood a couple of years ago. The hose looks a bit like a cobra doing a balancing act.

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The latest from the Spell Czech
That's what my eagle-eyed correspondent, Dr. Patrick Mauer of West L.A., calls himself. He found another good one--an announcement from his medical group about CERECONS, a medical management software package. "The Conference Center staff seems to have taken a dim view of it," he points out.

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No wonder it's so hard to get around in L.A.
The map of an L.A. website lists a 3th Street. Obviously it should be 3nd Street.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com

Paper or plastic? Boy or girl?

Barbara Joan Grubman of Woodland Hills saw a sign in a Ralphs market that said: "Pregnancy tests can now be gotten at the check-out stand." Wonders Grubman: "Hmm, would that be the checker or the box person who would be giving them?"

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Dept. of What's Going On?
First, there were all those water mains bursting in L.A. More recently, Channel 2's local news broadcast a segment that showed Department of Water and Power workers visiting strip clubs during working hours and drinking beer while driving in DWP trucks. Who's in charge of that agency, anyway? Reminds me of a sign that Phil Proctor saw at one DWP facility.

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Too good to pass up?
Memorial Day weekend is coming up. I wonder if the Oregon business spotted by Dick Seibel last December will renew its not-so-tempting holiday offer.

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Food for thought
Phil Proctor also found a joint where you can get an unusual main dish with a side of hashed browns.

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And chew on this
I might hesitate before driving a Toyota product. But Ken Bensinger found something even more daunting in Little Tokyo -- a dish that tastes like a Toyota.

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Lexus chicken (cont.):
The owner told L.A. Weekly he used that phrase because Lexus is a prestige brand. What he should have said is: "Once you start eating this, you can't put the brakes on your appetite!"

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Still playing chicken
Bart Boydston told the sad story of the feathered creatures who arrive at one business: "They park. They go inside. They don't come out."

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Hard to swallow
As for the "lamp" curry menu item mentioned in my last column, Perry Valantine of Costa Mesa theorizes it's a diet dish ("Indian food light").

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Proof that Spring is in the air:
Dr. Patrick Mauer noticed that a bulletin at Good Samaritan Hospital takes a romantic view of an on-line resource available to the staff.

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On the shy side...
A Long Beach restaurant advertises a very proper rib dinner.

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How the McCourts raise money for their divorce attorneys
Overheard from a fan at Dodger Stadium, who had just noticed that one foreign beer at the concession stand costs $13.50: "For that price, you should get a lap dance, too."

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miscelLAny: Louis Quatorze (XIV) is associated with a furniture style. But I never knew what Louis III was famous for until I saw the sign below.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com.

Take me home from the ballgame -- now!

The local Metro folks certainly are aware of the migratory habits of Dodger fans. A notice about the Dodger Stadium express, a bus that runs between Union Station and the ballpark on the day of games, mentions that "return service begins in the 7th inning."

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Polly quiere a cracker?
A poster in front of Long Beach's Burnett library branch announces the finding of a bird that seems to have been separated from its casa.

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Avian comings and goings (cont.):
My former colleague Robert Burns, meanwhile, passed along a flier that raises this question: Why would anyone have a pheasant as a pet? Or was it supposed to wind up under glass?

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Food for thought
If you're worried about whether your raw fish dish meets pollution standards, Long Beach has just the place to make a determination.

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Chew on this
Jeff Bliss shined a light on a curry recipe that might be tough to digest.

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A lot of people have second jobs these days...
And that apparently includes a certain Jolly Old Elf, Barry Nackos points out.

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Talk about smash photos
To save money and curry the love of viewers, TV stations now beg the public to send in snapshots, as you know. And the local anchors rave about them no matter how commonplace they may be. A perfect example was Channel 9, in the hours after the 7.2 Mexico earthquake, which profusely thanked shutter-bugs for one shot showing a broken vase in a Southland residence, another a broken bottle of pickles in a store and another some mildly-sloshing water in a swimming pool. Oh, the earthshaking drama!

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miscelLAny:
The Orange County Register paid tribute to a food that everyone associates with "wellness." At least, a lot of people under the age of 8 do.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com.

To live and drive in L.A.

Hey, even drive-thrus have limitations --- though you'd never guess it by looking at the boarded-up portion of an Angel Food restaurant in Long Beach. The intruder in this case was after the ATM inside --- and didn't get it, I'm told.

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Closing the barn door after the driver has bolted...
I was reminded of a years-ago photo by Benjamin Reuben of a similarly re-arranged Westside eatery.

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Someone badly in need of a sugar fix?
Then there was the 2004 shot by Donald Bentley of a La Puente landmark that had some of its chocolate knocked off by a wild motorist. Jimmy Rodriguez of Fontana says a local newspaper commented at the time that the doughnut obviously wasn’t jelly-filled.

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No calorie worries, obviously
Ron Weintraub of Randy's Donuts, by the 405 in Inglewood, gave me a photo of a chipmunk munching on one of his products. Even a chipmunk’s smart enough to know not to bury one of these tasty things.

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Water, water, nowhere
You may have read that the scoreboard of the Dallas Cowboys’ new stadium hangs so low that punters have been banging kicks off it. And the new Yankee Stadium has drawn complaints of obstructed views not to mention a wind-tunnel effect in right field that makes for cheapo home runs.
That’s the thing about new buildings. They always have a few surprises.
Ours out here are no different:
--Disneyland opened with almost no water fountains in 1955. Uncle Walt said that because of a plumbers strike he’d had to choose between constructing restrooms or drinking fountains first. He chose restrooms, he said, because "people can buy Pepsi Cola but they can’t pee in the street."
--Dodger Stadium made its debut in 1962 with just two water fountains -- one in each team dugout. But owner Walter O’Malley had plenty of beer and soft drinks available at the concession stands.
--The Pyramid, Long Beach State’s basketball arena, developed leaks early on in 1994. They were repaired. It was not -- I repeat NOT -- the Curse of the Pharaoahs.
--When the Getty Center opened in 1998, visitors complained of a shortage of both restrooms and drinking fountains. There was no shortage of bottled Getty Water on sale, though!

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Attn.: Fashion Police
In North Hollywood, Alex Auerbach snapped a photo of a store that seemed to share the same bad opinion of hangers that Faye Dunaway did as Joan Crawford in "Mommy Dearest."

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Unclear on the concept
Bill Doty of Sylmar saw a reminder that "nothing says refreshing like a nice glass of HOT milk.”

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Food for thought
In Cabo San Lucas, Dennis Levin of Larchmont spotted a restaurant that had adopted the maxim that the customer is always wrong. A maxim long ago adopted by phone companies and cable services.

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Pokin’ along…
Have you heard that commercial on the radio where a doctor offers to give you a "fingerprint of your eye?" I couldn't help but think of all the times Moe thumbed Curly's orb in "The Three Stooges." Curly had plenty of Moe’s fingerprints on his eye.

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miscelLAny
"As I was walking into Starbucks near the corner of Ventura and Laurel Canyon the other day,” writes Josh Mankiewicz, "a guy panhandled me. Nothing unusual about that --- except that to do it, he had to briefly interrupt the cell-phone conversation he was having.”

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com.

Carrying on about carry-on

These airport security rituals can be embarrassing. After I’d gone through the x–ray procedure at San Jose's airport the other day, a guard informed me, "You have a cylinder in your bag."
I nodded. He pulled out the cylinder and shook it. The faint sound of powder could be heard swishing around. Satisfied, the guard put it back in my bag, thus letting onlookers know that I was free to board the plane with my Metamucil.
Maybe I ought to switch to capsules.

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Law and order (cont.):
Danny Lehrer hopes that dogs driving down the street of this Hollywood neighborhood will be careful to read one warning sign.

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Ears to the ground
"In 'Oklahoma!' lyricist Oscar Hammerstein wrote, "The corn is as high as an elephant’s eye; And it looks like it’s climbin’ clear up the sky."
In Burbank, meanwhile, Marla L'Angelle points out that the corn's as low as a sewer's drain, and it looks like it's trying to climb out of the gutter.

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More food for thought:
In Manhattan, funnyman Phil Proctor noticed a magazine that might give you indigestion.

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Which reminds me
Bill Doty of Sylmar hopes that a sign at Cal State Los Angeles didn’t mean the students were becoming nauseous.

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Unclear on the concept
In announcing that ex-USC quarterback Mark Sanchez had been named an opening-day starter for the New York Jets, a Channel 9 sports guy raved the other night about what a great pre-season Sanchez was enjoying. Just one clip of Sanchez was featured. It showed him having a pass intercepted and run back for a touchdown by the other team.

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Such a deal
In Brentwood, Bart Everett saw an empty seat next to a "chair for rent" notice in the window. The latter actually referred to a barber’s station inside.

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Is that "$Paid" or "Spayed?"
"On first glance--indeed, on second and third glances," writes Gerald Jones, "this notice seems to be giving advice to people who reproduce.”

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Unoffical economic indicators
"Hard times hit the Westside," was the way Norm Sklarewitz headlined his photo of a limo for sale.

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miscelLAny
A panhandler riding the Blue Line the other night called out to the passengers in his car: "Excuse me! Excuse me! Could someone lend me $27,000 and 14 cents? I promise to pay you back.”
He settled for $2 and exited at the next stop. Maybe that’s where he had his limo parked.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com.