harveysonlyinla

Strange but True Tales of Football, 2011

2011-12-30T11:46:00.001-08:00

The Colleges

---It wasn't Astro-Turf: LSU suspended three players for smoking synthetic grass.

---Maybe they should have radioed the Air Force for assistance: Army, apparently using a 19th century manual, completed no passes in four attempts in a 48-21 loss to Ball State.

---Unclear on the concept: Wofford's Stephon Shelton neglected to kneel in the end zone after catching a kickoff and was tackled, causing him to fumble. The ball was recovered in the end zone for a touchdown by Northern Iowa, which won, 28-21.

---Roughing the furniture: Terrell Brown, a 6-11, 390-pound defensive tackle at Ole Miss, broke a folding chair on the sidelines when he attempted to sit in it during a game against LSU.

---Good/bad news for Troy: USC's football team outscored its basketball team on the same day. The Trojan gridders defeated Oregon, 38-35, on Nov. 19 while the Trojan hoopsters were losing to Cal Poly (San Luis Obispo), 36-42.

---When Tennessee's two injured placekickers became unavailable the day of a game against Middle Tennessee, a call was placed to the frat house of third-string kicker Derrick Brodus. Coach Derek Dooley later recalled quipping to his staff, "Hey, an intoxicated Brodus is better than nobody." Brodus, who was sober, made a field goal and three conversion kicks, earning a game ball in the 24-0 win.

---A streaker disguised as a ref ran on the field during the Arizona-UCLA game. ``People realized the streaker wasn't an actual college football official," Omaha columnist Brad Dickson quipped, "when his microphone worked."

---Georgia tight end Aron White eluded defenders in the end zone to snare a touchdown pass and then leaped over band members before being brought down by a thick hedge. He required the help of several teammates to escape the grip of the limbs.

---Best time in the 40: Oregon cornerback Cliff Harris was pulled over by officers after speeding 118 m.p.h.---a Division 1 record.

The Pros

---Inauspicious Starts Dept.: San Diego Chargers kicker Nate Kaeding suffered a season-ending injury on the first play of the Chargers' opener, tearing ligaments in his knee while diving at Minnesota returner Percy Harvin. "There was no contact on the play," coach Norv Turner reported, somewhat in disbelief.

---Lay off the coffee!: Kaeding's replacement, Nick Novak, was observed urinating on the sidelines against Denver later in the season while teammates attempted to shield him from the spectators. Novak explained that he gets the call of nature ``two to three times a game."

---It's called ``Pulling a Plaxico": A 51-year-old man accidentally shot himself in the leg as he put his licensed gun in his car before a New England home game. The Patriots were playing the Giants (of course).

---Unclear on the Concept, II: A Miami man accused of stealing several Dolphins jerseys showed up at his court hearing wearing a Dolphins jersey.

---The Cleveland Browns lost 11 consecutive coin tosses, the streak ending Dec. 3 against Baltimore. Mathematicians seemed uninterested.

---It seemed like a good idea: The 49ers' Vernon Davis called for a fair catch on an onside kick by Washington. Davis was flagged for an invalid signal because he made it after the ball touched the ground.

---The Vikings' Harvin returned a kick 104 yards against Atlanta but did not score. He was tackled on the 4 (not by the kicker). What's worse, the Vikings then failed to get into the end zone on four attempts.

---Quote of the Year: "The biggest thing for the secondary is for us not to fall asleep," Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis said before a game against Denver and Tim Tebow. The not-so-awake Jets lost, 13-17.

---It was a one-vehicle accident: Denver's Knowshon Moreno fell off an exercise bike during a game against Green Bay.

---From Hail Marys to Bloody Marys: Miami cornerback Vontae Davis was suspended for one game for showing up for practice with alcohol on his breath.

---Unclear on the Concept, III: Dallas coach Jason Garrett iced his own kicker, Dan Bailey, by calling time out just as Bailey was converting what would have been a game-winning, 48-yard field goal. On his second try, Bailey was wide. The game went into overtime, with Dallas losing to Arizona, 13-19.

---A horse-collaring penalty was called against a Colt---Indianapolis linebacker Philip Wheeler.

---Three NFL head coaches, New Orleans' Sean Payton, Jacksonville's Jack Del Rio and the Giants' Tom Coughlin were injured in collisions on the sidelines. However, Dallas cheerleader Melissa Kellerman emerged unscathed after 265-pound tight end Jason Witten ran into her.

---Fashion police report: The NFL fined New Orleans running back Pierre Thomas $5,000 for a uniform violation_wearing Christmas-theme green and red tape on his black and gold saints uniform. Just the NFL's way of saying, ``Happy holidays!"

---And, in a sad development, the Miami Caliente team of the Lingerie Football League folded. "At least every player was given a pink slip," noted Seattle columnist Dwight Perry.

Strange but True Tales of Football, 2011

2011-12-30T11:39:00.000-08:00

The Bottom Ten: The Power of Negative Thinking

2011-10-17T17:42:00.000-07:00

By Steve Harvey

(Please remember to silence your cell phones before reading. Thank you.)

The Colleges

Akron went into the weekend bearing the only nickname that signified its number of wins. TheZips were 0-3.

But the pressure of being No. 1 in the Bottom Ten was apparently too much and the Zips defeated VMI, 36-13, to fall to an inglorious No. 13.

That left the top spot open to Oregon State (0-3). The meager Beavers have chalked up impressive losses to Sacramento State and the UCLA Ruins_and the season's only three weeks long.

But don't count out No. 4 New Mexico, which is tied for most games played in the nation (4) and tops in most defeats (4, of course). The Lost Lobos are obviously trying to get their season over as quickly as possible.

Wreck, Record........................ Last Loss.......................... Next Loss

1. Oregon State (0-3)........................19-27, UCLA.............................. Arizona State

2. Indiana (1-3) .................................21-24, North Texas ...................Penn State

3. Western Kentucky (0-3)..............16-44, Indiana State................ Arkansas State

4. New Mexico (0-4) ........................45-48, Sam Houston State ......New Mexico State

5. Memphis (1-3) ................................0-42, SMU (OT)*.....................Middle Tennessee

6. Colorado (1-3) ..............................17-37, Ohio State....................... Washington State

7. Minnesota (1-3).............................24-37, North Dakota State...... Michigan

8. Middle-Aged Miss (1-3)...............13-27, Georgia........................... Fresno State

9. Alabama (Birmingham) (0-3).....23-28, East Carolina................. Troy

10. Miami (Fla.) (1-2)**...................24-28 Kansas State ...................Bethune-Cookman***

*No overtime; just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

**Pending future forfeits.

***If, indeed, there is a Bethune-Cookman.

11. UNLV (1-3) ; 12. Syracuse-Toledo refs (blown call on extra-point attempt enabled Syracuse to win, 33-30); 13. Akron (1-3); 14. Buffalo (1-3); 15. New Mexico State (1-3); 16. Nevada (1-2); 17. B.C. (1-3); 18. San Jose State (1-3); 19. 404_Page Not Found; 20. Colorado (0-3).

Crummy Game of the Week: New Mexico State (1-3) at New Mexico (0-4).

(Annoying pop-up ad goes here, as soon as the Bottom Ten sells one.)

The Pros

The Minnehaha Vikings are the masters of the come-from-ahead loss_the NFL's version of theBoston Red Sox.

The Vikes have blown half-time leads of 10, 17 and 20 points, the latest collapse resulting in a 23-26 loss to mighty Detroit.

So, it's no wonder that Minnehaha is featured in the Crummy Game of the Year (so far) against equally inoffensive Kansas City. The Chefs have given up 109 points in three games, leading to rumors they may abandon their controversial O-O defensive alignment.

Meanwhile, the No. 5 Philadelphia Dream Team suffered another nightmarish loss, 16-29, to theN.J. Giants.

The Giants didn't have to fake any injuries to stop the clock, as they did against St. Louis. But, just to stay in practice against the Dream Teamers, two of their players did faint during the coin-toss.

Wreck, Record ...................Last Loss............. Next Loss

1. Minnehaha (0-3) ....................23-26, Detroit.......... K.C.

2. St. Louis (0-3) ..........................7-37, Baltimore...... Washington

3. Kansas City (0-3) ...................17-20, San Diego...... Minnehaha

4. Boston Red Sox (7-20)*......... 3-4, Baltimore .........Season Over

5. Dream Team (1-2) .................16-29, N.J. Giants..... San Francisco

6. Miami (Fla.) 0-3); 7. Indianapolis (0-3); 8. Atlanta (1-2); 9. Jacksonville (1-2); 10. Cincinnati (1-2).

*Record in September.

Crummy Game of the Week: Kansas City (0-3) vs. Minnehaha (0-3).

Rout of the Week: San Diego (2-1) over Miami (Fla.) (0-3).

Quotebook: Bungles wideout Jerome Simpson, averaging more than 20 years per catch, was detained for questioning in Crestview Hills, Ky., after the delivery of 2 1/2 pounds of marijuana to his house. Quipped Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times in his Sideline Chatter column: ``Here we thought he was a deep threat; turns out he might be a possession receiver."

Talk about a fishy story: Nelson Walker, accused of stealing Dolphins jerseys from a Miami store, showed up for his bail hearing wearing a Dolphins jersey, CBS reported. Walker, who denied the thefts, was asked by the judge about the jersey he was wearing. ``This ain't the one, Your Honor," he said. ``No, m'am. It shows I ain't took no jerseys." Walker, whose resume shows 29 offenses, was held on $5,000 bail.

Fishy story reaction: Why would anyone want a Dolphins (0-3) jersey anyway?

Bottom Ten: Worst of the Worst!

2011-10-17T17:37:00.000-07:00

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2011

Bottom Ten

by Steve Harvey

(Not valid in Nebraska, or parts of South Dakota)

The Colleges

Frustrated Georgia football fans can appreciate only too well the lyric from the state song ``Georgia, oh Georgia, no peace I find..."

The Bulldogs, ranked No. 19 in AP's pre-season (TOP 25) poll, jumped to No. 1 in the Bottom Ten with a 42-45 loss to South Carolina, pushing their record to a spotless 0-2. There is so much turmoil on the team that, Uga, the school's canine mascot, is threatening to transfer to Fresno State, even if it means red-leashing for a year.

Another big disappointment to its fans is Notre Dame, the legendary Fighting Rash, which AP ranked No. 16 in the pre-season in an apparent attempt to steal laughs from the Bottom Ten. The Rash is also winless, and No. 2 in the BT.

Elsewhere, Iowa State (2-0) defeated No. 18 Iowa (1-1) by a 44-41 score in their annual grudge match, which marks the end of the season for both schools because they're too boring to play a full year.

Wreck, Record Last Loss Next Loss

1.Georgia (0-2).............42-45, South Carolina.....Coastal Carolina

2. Notre Dame (0-2)......31-35, Michigan...............Michigan State

3. Colorado (0-2)...........33-36, Cal (OT) ...............Colorado State

4. Oregon State (0-2)......0-35, Wisconsin............ UCLA

5. BC* (0-2).......................3-30, Central Florida...Duke

6. Duke (0-2) ..................10-44, Stanford...............BC**

7. San Jose State (0-2)...17-27, UCLA....................Nevada

8. Akron (0-2) .................3-41, Temple..................Cincinnati

9. Indiana (0-2)................31-34, Virginia...............South Carolina State

10. East Carolina (0-2).. 10-17, Virginia Tech..... Alabama (Birmingham)

*Not the comic strip

**Might be the comic strip

11. North Texas (0-2); 12. Minnesota (0-2); 13. Alabama (Birmingham) (0-1); 14. Blank (Ohio) 0-1); 15. UNLV (0-2); 16. Nevada (0-1); 17. Western Kentucky (0-2); 18. Iowa State (1-1); 19. Out to lunch; 20. Memphis (0-2).

Rout of the Weak: Alabama (2-0) vs. North Texas (0-2).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Duke (0-2) @ B.C (0-2).

The Pros

Much of the suspense involving the NFL season has vanished with the realization that the next Super Bowl will be a matchup of undefeated Buffalo and undefeated Detroit.

The Bottom Ten race is still competitive, though.

The Dallas Cows took possession of the top spot with a come-from-ahead 24-27 loss to the New Jersey Jets. The Cows came into the game with a franchise record of 241-0-1 in games in which they led by 14 or more points in the fourth quarter. Then they blew a 10-24 lead in that quarter.

New Jersey's other team, the Eli Manning-quarterbacked Ants, didn't fare as well, falling to Washington, 14-28. But then the Skins were quarterbacked by Rex Grossman.

Meanwhile, unreliable reports say that the Oklahoma Sooners still haven't made up their mind whether to transfer to the Pac-Whatever conference or the NFC West.

Pros

Wreck, Record............Last Loss ........Next Loss

1. Dallas (0-1)..............24-27, N.Y. Jets.........S.F.

2. N.J. Ants (0-1).........14-28, Washington....St. Louis

3. Kansas City (0-1)......7-41, Buffalo..............Detroit

4. The Pitts (0-1)..........7-35, Baltimore.........Seattle

5. Seattle (0-1)............17-33, San Francisco..The Pitts

6. Old Orleans (0-1); 7. Minnesota (0-1); 8. Indianapolis (0-1); 9. Cleveland (0-1); 10. Tennessee (0-1).

Rout of the Weak: San Francisco (1-0) over Dallas (0-1).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Seattle (0-1) at the Pitts (0-1).

Fantasy Flops: WR Chad Ochocinco (N.England), 1 catch for 14 yards; QB Donovan McNabb (Minnesota) 7 completions in 15 attempts for 39 yards and one interception; RB Chris Johnson (Tennessee) 9 carries 24 yards; RB LeGarrette Blount (Tampa Bay) 5 carries, 15 yards.

2011 All-Jurisprudence Offensive Team nominations

QB-Terrelle Prior, Oakland (suspended 5 games for violating NFL eligiblity rules)

QB-Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh (faces sexual assault suit)

RB-Cedric Benson, Cincinnati (jailed 5 days for assault)

RB-Michael Bush, Oakland (arrested for drunk driving

RB-Laurence Maroney, Denver (arrested on weapons charge)

FB-Ahmard Hall, Tennessee (suspended 4 games for using performance-enhancing substances)

WR-David Reed, Baltimore (suspended 1 game, substance abuse)

WR-Kenny Britt, Tennessee (faces charges of drug possession, resisting arrest)

G-Bobby Williams, Cincinnati (suspended 4 games, performance-enhancing substances)

T-Jason Peters, Philadelphia (arrested for disturbing peace)

Director of Pro Scouting-Shelton Quarles, Tampa Bay (arrested for DUI)

Game-Day Consultant-Jim Tressell, Indianapolis (suspended 6 games for lying to NCAA)

Next Week: the 2011 All-Jurisprudence Defensive Team nominations (and some of the players are pretty defensive about it!)

1 comments:

Allen P. Wilkinson said...: Geez, UCLA won a game last week. Maybe they don't deserve bo be in my Bottom Ten.; September 15, 2011 6:57 PM

The Bottom Ten_It Doesn't Get Any Worse Than This!

2011-10-17T17:32:00.000-07:00

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 2011

by Steve Harvey

2 hours ago

(Or was it 2 minutes ago, or 2 days ago? Time flies so fast these days...)

The Colleges

It brought back memories of 1983, the year those long-time glorious losers, Oregon State and Oregon, played to a 0-0 tie in a game known to locals as the Toilet Bowl.

This time, the meager Beavers fell to 24-point underdog Sacramento State, 28-29. Oregon also did its part, losing to LSU, 27-40, proving that the dead Ducks (see drawing above) haven't spent enough money on recruiting.

In any event, let's have a round of applause for the state of Oregon, which once again took control of the Bottom Ten.

Elsewhere, No. 4 Miami (Fla.), with innumerable players on suspension, signed up some students in the school library but fell to Maryland, 24-32. Miami, by the way, was flagged 10 times for penalties_talk about a lack of institutional control.

The funny little SMUs made their debut at No. 9 after a 14-46 loss to Texas A$M, which, as the Bottom Ten reported exclusively last week, has agreed to join the SEC. (Our apologies to readers, however, for initially saying that the SEC that A&M was joining was the Securities and Exchange Commission, rather than the Southeastern Conference.)

Hanging on in the rankings was No. 20 USC, which, while winning, earned recognition by being held scoreless by inept Minnehaha (0-1) in the second half. But, then, as USC coach Lane Kiffintold reporters afterward, the Trojans have but ``two good players on our offense." How jealous the Oregons must be.

Wreck, Record.....................Last Loss......................................Next Loss

1. Oregon (0-1)....................27-40, LSU...................................Nevada

1. Oregon State (0-1)..........28-29, Sacramento State..........Wisconsin

3. TCU (0-1).........................48-50, Baylor..............................Air Force

4. Miami (Fla.) (0-1).......... 24-32, Maryland.........................Ohio State

5. Notre Dame (0-1)............20-23, South Florida................Michigan

6. Maryland's uniforms......Fashion world ............................New designer

7. William (0-2/3)................3-40, Virginia*...........................VMI

7. Mary (0-1/3)......................3-40, Virginia*...........................VMI

8. Indiana (0-1)...................20-27, Fum-Ball State.................Virginia

9. SMU (0-1)........................14-46, Texas A$M........................Texas at El Batted Down Paso

10. Georgia (0-1).................21-35, Boise State.......................South Carolina

*William and Mary's defense, handled by William, deserved most of blame for loss.

11. Ol' Fogy Miss (0-1); 12. Boston College (0-1); 12. New Mexico (0-1); 13. Duke (0-1); 14. Wide Awake Forest (0-1); 15. Colorado (0-1); 16. Utah State (0-1); 17. Blank (Ohio) (0-1); 18. On assignment; 19. Akron (0-1)**; 20. USC (held scoreless in second half by Minnehaha).

**Was inadvertently favored over Ohio State last week due to computer error. (Too soon to tell if Ohio State will have to forfeit its victory over Akron.)

Rout of the Weak: Wisconsin (1-0) over Oregon State (0-1) (if Oregon State shows up).

How-the-Mighty Have-Fallen Crummy Game of the Week: Notre Dame (0-1) vs. Michigan (0-0).

Quotebook: The National Catholic Register's Matthew Archbold, commenting on the profanity-laced, sidelines outbursts of Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly during the school's 20-23 loss to South Florida:

``I've had setbacks in life but I don't flip out, become so purpled-faced I look like an oompa-loompa, get in peoples faces, curse at them and chase them down so I can curse at them some more. I dont. And, if you ask me, the University of Notre Dame shouldn't allow it either."

Oompa-loompa? It's a character in the Roald Dahl novel, ``Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," who is of small stature, and has an orange complexion and green hair. (Doesn't throw out f-bombs like Kelly does, though.)

Fashion crimes Dept.: ESPN commentator Jay Biler on Maryland's multi-colored, state-flag design jerseys: ``The 1970s Houston Astros have just released a statement that they would not be caught dead in the new Maryland football uniforms."

The Pros

You can imagine the panic in Detroit where the Lions just concluded the exhibition season with a 4-0 record. When they went undefeated in the pre-season in 2008, they finished 0-16 in the regular season. Some backers printed up T-shirts that said, ``2008 Pre-Season Champions," wrote Yahoo's Nick Meyer.

This year the Lions could actually win a few games that count, maybe as many as seven, and should finish no higher in the BT than No. 10.

Some other teams that played way over their heads in the pre-season were San Francisco (2-2) and Seattle (2-2), who will be vying for last place in the NFC West Sunday, and Washington (3-1).

Others whose pre-season records actually made sense were No. 1 Cincinnati (1-3), No. 2 Carolina (1-3), and No. 3 Buffalo (1-3). The entire Cincinnati team, incidentally, is opening the season on the unable-to-perform list.

Then there's No. 8 Oakland (0-4), sentenced to spend another year in Al-catraz.

Elsewhere, New Orleans checked in at No. 9. After all, the Saints' 34-42, opening-day loss to Green Bay made them the losingest team in the NFL (0-1) at present.

Wreck, Pre-Season Record.... Next Loss ......Predicted Won-Loss Record*

1. Cincinnati (1-3) ...................Cleveland.............................1-15

2. Carolina (1-3) ......................Arizona................................2-14

3. Buffalo (1-3)..........................Kansas City........................ 4-12

4. Kansas City (0-4)................ Buffalo.................................4-12

5. Seattle (2-2)......................... San Francisco ....................5-11**

*As calculated by Bottom Ten's 1975 Altair 8800 computer.

**Inadvertent asterisk; please ignore.

6. San Francisco (2-2); 7. Washington (3-1); 8. Oakland (0-4); 9. New Orleans (0-1)***; 10. Detroit (4-0).

***2011 regular-season record.

Regional Crummy Games of the Weak: Midwest---Buffalo (1-3) at Kansas City (0-4); West---Seattle (2-2) at San Francisco (2-2).

Off-Sides! After his fellow Republican Michele Bachmann criticized the federal budget deal agreement with the Democrats, New Jersey Rep. Jon Runyan, a former Philadelphia Eagles offensive tackle, issued a broad warning at a private meeting ``about how a showboat can divide a team, bringing up the notorious loudmouth wide receiver Terrell Owens," the Los Angeles Times reported. Terrell must be proud to know his image transcends football.

2 comments:

REDDEVILINLA said...: Steve,
What happened to the valuable #19 spot; it has been held by Vandy and Akron over 2 weeks? Could it be #19 has improved enough to be ranked #18?

Tom K; September 9, 2011 12:55 PM
Allen P. Wilkinson said...: Hi Steve,

How could you not place UCLA in a permanent spot in the Bottom 10?

Allen W; September 9, 2011 4:27 PM

The Bottom Ten: Soon to be a major motion picture---"Crummyball"!

2011-10-17T17:12:00.000-07:00

By Steve Harvey

0 mutual friends

0 notifications

0 event invites

3 likes, 7,412 dislikes

Colleges

For New Mexico, the 2011 season has been a lose-lose-lose-lose-lose proposition.

Lost Lobos' (0-5) remarkable consistency enabled them to take over No. 1 in the Bottom Ten this week even though they had a bye.

They replaced Oregon State (1-4), which said bye bye to the top spot following a shocking victory over the Arizona Mildcats (1-5).

Meanwhile, Kentucky climbed to No. 10 with an impressive 3-54 loss to South Carolina while No 14. Villanova (1-5) and No. 18 Northwestern (2-3) also recorded setbacks. Those three schools share the same nickname with Arizona, which explains all the talk about realigning them into aMildcat Conference.

Coming up fast on the outside are the Jayshocked (2-3) of Kansas, who are giving up 49.4 points and 566 yards per game. Kansas, which reached new depths with a 28-70 loss to Oklahoma State on Saturday, should be able to reach the magical 50 points-allowed-per-game average Saturday when the team is fed to Oklahoma in one of two featured Routs of the Weak.

Poll experts pointed out that the two wins by the Jayshocked, coming early in the season, may be ignored by the voters later in the year when it comes time to pick a Bottom Ten champ.

And a tip of the helmet to No. 8 Florida State (2-3), a 10-game winner last year, which has been named most disappointing team of 2011 by Yahoo Sports.

Wreck, Record....... Last Lost Next Loss

1. New Mexico (0-5).... Idle........................................... Nevada

2. Arizona (1-5)............ 27-37, Oregon State................ UCLA

3. Colorado (1-5)........... 7-48, Stanford..................... ...Washington

4. B.C. (1-5).................. 14-36, Clemson......................... Va Tech

5. Akron (1-5).............. 17-27, Florida International... Ohio (Ohio)

6. Kansas (2-3)............ 28-70, Oklahoma State........... Oklahoma

7. Indiana (1-5)............ 20-41, Ill.................................... Wisconsin

8. Florida State (2-3)..30-35, Wake Forest*............... Duke

9. UNLV (1-4)................ 0-37, Nevada.......................... Wyoming

10. Kentucky (2-4)........ 3-54, South Carolina.............. Jackson State

*This score is not a typographical error.

11. Miami (Fla.) (2-3); 12. Memphis (1-5); 13. Idaho (1-5); 14. Villanova (1-5); 15. Oregon State (1-4); 16. New Mexico State (2-3); 17. Other Miami (1-4); 18. Northwestern (2-3); 19. Campaigning in Iowa; 20. Ohio State (3-3).

Rout of the Weak (Tie) : Oklahoma (5-0) at Kansas (2-3); Indiana (1-5) at Wisconsin (5-0).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Nevada (2-3) at New Mexico (0-5).

The Pros

Minnehaha had blown leads in four straight games but even the Vikes couldn't fritter away a 28-0 lead.

They held on for a 34-10 win over 1-4 Arizona, not to be confused with the 1-5 University of Arizona, to exit the top spot in the Bottom Ten.

Minnehaha was replaced by the Philadelphia Nightmares (1-4) , whose 2011 season is over. Now they can only dream about getting a decent quarterback in next year's draft.

No. 3 Indianapolis stayed winless with a 24-28 loss to the Kansas City Chefs. Oddly enough the Chefs' winning touchdown drive was aided by a horse-collaring penalty against Indy's linebackerPhilip Wheeler. How can horse-collaring penalty be called against a Colt?

Wreck, Record...................... Last Lost..............Next Loss

1. Philadelphia (1-4)....................... 24-31, Buffalo.......... Washington

2. St. Louis (0-4)............................ Idle............................. Green Bay

3. Miami (Fla.) (0-4)..................... Even Idler.................. N.J. Jets

4. Indianapolis (0-5)..................... 24-28, Kansas City... Cincinnati

5. Jacksonville (1-4) ......................20-30, Cincinnati...... The Pitts

6. Carolina (1-4); 7. Arizona (1-4); 8. Grampa Bay (3-2); 9. Denver (1-4); 10. (Tie) Yankees, Red Sox, Phillies (seasons over).

Dishonorable Mention: Philadelphia is dominating in some departments. Receiver DeSean Jackson, for example, is tied for third in most passes dropped this year with 3, trailing onlyRoddy White of Atlanta (6), Michael Crabtree of San Francisco (4).

Fantasy Flops: Tennessee RB Chris Johnson (51 yards in 14 carries); Denver QB Kyle Orton (6 of 13 passes for 34 yards, one interception); Grampa Bay QB Josh Freeman (17 of 33 passes for 187 yards, 2 interceptions, no TD passes).

Unclear on the concept: Against the Colts, Chefs wide receiver Dwayne Bowe was penalized for delay of the game after spiking the ball following a 9-yard gain. Broadcaster Mark Malone pointed out that the real delay was caused by the officials, who stopped the game, conferred, then made the announcement to the spectators. As for Bowe's crime, Malone asked: ``Is there only one ball?"

The ghost of Al? : Replays show that when Oakland intercepted a Matt Schaub pass on the last play of the game to save a 25-20 win, the Raiders only had 10 players on the field. Or was Al Davis the 11th man? Don't count out Al, yet.

0 comments:

The Bottom Ten: A Division of Bottom Ten International

2011-10-16T13:19:00.000-07:00

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2011

By Steve Harvey

0 people like this. Be the first of your friends.

"Severe formatting problems"---Dissatisfied reader.

"I don't get any of the jokes"---Mrs. Harvey.

"Who hacked those messages into my column?"---Steve Harvey

The Colleges

The Meager Beavers of Oregon State (0-4) constructed a small lead in the Bottom Ten but now comes their biggest test_the streaking Arizona Mildcats (1-4), who have chalked up four straight defeats.

This is an early-season crucial for each team, a must-lose game, a die-or-die situation. They don't get much smaller than this.

It's a tough one to call. The Mildcats scored 41 points last week but look who they did it against_USC's push-over defense. The Beavers once scored 28---against Sacramento State (while allowing 29).

Meanwhile, the Ohio State checked in at No. 18 with a miserable offensive performance in a 7-10 loss to Michigan State. But there's a "silver lining" to Ohio State's mishaps, pointed out Janice Hough on LeftCoastSportsBabe.com: "This year, the Buckeyes won't have any big-time bowl memorabilia to sell."

Wreck, Record................. Last Loss.......................... Next Loss

1. Oregon State (0-4)............... 20-35, Arizona State.............. Arizona

2. New Mexico (0-5)................ 28-42, New Mexico State...... Nevada

3. Indiana (1-4)........................ 10-16, Penn State .....................Ill

4. Western Kentucky (0-4).... 22-26, Ark. State..................... Middle Tenn

5. Memphis (1-4)..................... 31-38, Middle Tenn................ Rice

6. Colorado (1-4)..................... 27-31, Washington State........ Stanford

7. Minnesota (1-4).................... 0-58, Michigan....................... Purdue

8. Arizona (1-4)........................41-48, USC ...............................Oregon State

9. Alabama (Birm.) (0-4)...... 23-24, Troy ..............................Mississippi State

10. UNLV (1-3) .......................16-41, Southern Utah ..............Nevada

11. Akron (1-4); 12. Buffalo (1-4); 13. Nevada (1-3); 14 B.C. (1-4); 15. Idaho (1-4); 16. Eat Carolina (1-3); 17. Minute Rice (1-3); 18. Ohio State (3-2); 19. Out of the country; 20. Texas at El Wobbly Paso (2-3).

Not-so-instant replay: A review of one play during the Hawaii-Louisiana Tech game took 22 minutes, believed to be an NCAA record. The issue was whether a play from scrimmage was canceled by a time out. (I can't be more specific---no one involved could remember the details once they made a ruling.)

The Pros

The Kansas City Chefs trailed Minnehaha 7-3 early Sunday. The Chefs knew they had the Vikings right where they wanted them inasmuch as Minnehaha blows a lead every week. In their first three games of the season, the Vikes led San Diego 17-7, Tampa Bay 17-0 and Detroit 20-0, losing each time.

Sure enough, the Vikes (0-4) eventually fell as well to the previously winless Chefs, 17-22.

But now Minnehaha has another tough test_a game against a team with just one victory_Arizona. Can the Vikes go ahead and blow another one?

Sure they can, especially when they know they have to keep up the losing to stay ahead of the No. 2 Philadelphia Dream Teamers. The DT's (1-3) fell to powerful San Francisco, 23-24.

Still in contention are the St. Louis Lambs (0-4) and Miasma Dolphins (0-4), both heavy underdogs against Idle this week. The Lambs have drawn attention with their unusual hurry-up defense, which allows opponents to hurry up and score.

Wreck, Record....... Last Loss.................. Next Loss

1. Minnehaha (0-4)..... 17-22, Kansas City......... Arizona

2. Philadelphia (1-3)... 23-24, San Francisco.... Buffalo

3. St. Louis (0-4)......... 10-17, Washington........ Idle

4. Miasma (0-4)............16-26, L.A./San Diego.. Idle

5. Indianapolis (0-4)... 17-24, Grampa Bay....... Kansas City

6. Jacksonville (1-3); 7. Denver (1-3); 8. Kansas City (1-3); 9. Arizona (1-3); 10. Brett Favre (for saying in a radio interview that he's surprised that successor Aaron Rodgers didn't win a Super Bowl "sooner" since the "talent" on the current Packers is "even better than when I was there").

Crummy Games of the Week: Arizona (1-3) at Minnehaha (0-4).

Rout of the Week: Buffalo (3-1) over Dream-Teamers (1-3).

Still loading...

Start, thieves!

2011-09-04T11:35:00.001-07:00

With budgetary woes what they are, you'd think that public agencies would be careful about guarding their property. But writer Jay Berman found a different attitude in Manhattan Beach.

******

Good news:

On Craigslist (where else?), David Batterson found just the service for people worried about their rodents' choppers.

*****

Yes, I was a real SMOC (Small Man on Campus):

You can imagine my excitement when I received the accompanying notice from an on-line class reunion site.

******

You'll just have to take our word for it:

Angelenos have always tended to look down on Long Beach, my town. But perhaps it's because they don't take the time to appreciate our picturesque construction sites and sewers.

*****

Unclear on the concept:

For the convenience of drivers, my picturesque post office in Long Beach has two outside mail boxes pointed toward the street_along some red curb. I guess you're expected to drop off your letters while on the move_drive-by mailings, in other words.

******

Hands off, mister!

In the central California town of Cayucos, I chanced upon a sign posted by a company that was going all out to avoid sexual harassment suits.

*****

Don't know much about geography:

Easterners always seem baffled by our freeways. The other day, the New York Times said that the next home of the San Diego Chargers may be a ``a two-and-a-half-hour drive north on the Golden State Freeway to downtown Los Angeles."

Only problem is, the freeway leaving San Diego is called the (surprise) San Diego Freeway. It eventually turns into the Golden State east of L.A.'s Civic Center, but it never goes through downtown L.A.

*****

Don't know much about geography, Part II:

A few weeks before that, the New York Times, writing on the eve of Carmageddon, referred to the closure of ``a 10-mile stretch of I-405, a major highway running through the center of town."

The 405 does not, of course, run through downtown L.A., even if some Westsiders do believe that they're the center of the universe.

*****

Language, please!

Paula Van Gelder noticed a headline that seemed to give the very erroneous impression that the Beverly Hills police had committed a crime.

*****

Sounds like...

In Pacific Palisades, Tom Hofer spotted a notice that appeared to be about a lost masseur. Perhaps the notice was referring to a Shih Tzu dog.

*****

miscelLAny:

My wife was paying at an In-N-Out drive-through when the young clerk mumbled an indecipherable question. ``I asked him to repeat it," she said. ``He asked me if I wanted a lap mat. I told him I thought he said `lap ban.' He said, `I've had people say they thought I asked, `Would you like a lap dance?'"

The Bottom Ten

2011-08-26T12:01:00.000-07:00

A parody of Top Ten football polls by Steve Harvey
(Updated every 30 seconds, except on some Tuesdays)

The Colleges

With all its suspensions, Miami (Fla.) may soon announce that it's switching to 6-man football.

Whatever, the Hurricanes seem to have what it takes (or doesn't take) to win the Bottom Ten title this year, emblematic of the worst team in college football.

Right behind them in the BT's pre-season rankings are the Ohio State Blackeyes, who are coming off a winless year. The Blackeyes, you may recall, lost all their games July 8, when they were forced to forfeit their 2010 victories because several players had received illegal benefits.

QB Terrelle Pryor received the ultimate punishment_he was drafted by the Oakland Raiders.

Right behind Miami and OSU were bowl losers Oregon (0-1), Penn State (0-1) and Virginia Tech ( 0-1) (the Bottom Ten's primitive computer counts only 2011 bowl games in the 2011 pre-season rankings).

Middle Tennessee (0-1) came in at No. 10, based on its 21-35 bowl drubbing by Blank of Ohio (the former Miami of Ohio has dropped ``Miami" from its name to avoid being confused with its Florida namesake).

Wreck, 2011 Record Last Loss Next Loss

1. Miami (Fla.) ? * Maryland

2. Ohio State (0-1) T. Pryor Akron

3. Oregon (0-1) 19-22, Auburn LSU

4. Penn State (0-1) 24-37, Florida Indiana Sate

5. Virginia Tech (0-1) 12-40, Stanford Appalachian State

6. Wisconsin (0-1) 19-21, TCU UNLV

7. Texas A$M (0-1) 24-41, LSU The SMUs

8. Michigan (0-1) 14-52, Ole Miss State Western Michigan

9. Michigan State (0-1) 7-49, Alabama Youngstown State

10. Middle Tenn. (0-1) 21-35, Blank (Ohio) Purdon't

11. Fum-Ball State (0-0); 12. Western Kentucky (0-0); 13. UCLA (0-0); 14. Akron (0-0); 15. Texas (0-0); 16. Kansas (0-0); 17. Very Ole Miss (0-0); 18. Gone Fishing; 19. Vanderbilt (0-0); 20. USC (0-0).

*Exact number of Miami (Fla.) forfeit losses yet to be announced, as authorities dig through records and cash receipts dating back to school's founding in 1925.

**Don't worry, Trojan fans, USC is eligible for THIS set of rankings.

Crummy Game of the Week: Michigan (0-1) vs. Western Michigan (0-0).

Rout of the Week: Akron (0-0) over Ohio State (0-1) (admittedly, this is a hunch bet).

Worst pre-season insult: BCS winner Auburn was rated No. 23 in Associated Press' 2011 pre-season poll, the worst ranking of a returning national champion since 1960 champ Minnehaha failed to make the pre-season rankings in 1961.

Seeing red: Oklahoma State football coach Mike Gundy is being sued for breach-of-contract by a worker who claims he was fired from a job at Gundy's house for showing up in a University of Oklahoma baseball T-shirt, the Tulsa World reported. The suit claims Gundy yelled, ``How dare you come into my house and offend my wife?" (She was offended, Gundy explained, by the T-shirt.)

Quotebook: The Los Angeles Times reported that when a car driven by Oregon cornerback Cliff Harris was pulled over for allegedly cruising along at 118 mph, he was asked if he had any marijuana in the car. He responded: ``We smoked it all." Hey, end of problem!

Football's Shoeless Joe: The Associated Press said that police raided the apartment of LSU quarterback Jordan Jefferson, accused of using his feet in a bar fight, and seized 49 pairs of his shoes_including the pair he was wearing.

Best pre-season laugh: After a Miami (Fla.) booster said that he had provided illicit benefits to 72 Hurricane athletes, President Donna Shalala said, ``Nationally, the academic achievements of our student-athletes are mentioned in the same breath and spirit as Notre Dame and Stanford."

Next Week: The Pro Bottom Ten (including some teams from the Canadian Football League) as well as the College BT (unless the NCAA has called off the season).

The Ultimate Sig-Alert

2011-03-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

In the new movie, "Battle: Los Angeles," a soldier with a besieged group of folks is told by a superior: "Get them off the goddamn freeway." Yes, the Angelenos were suffering the ultimate nightmare--being attacked from outer space while stuck on the Santa Monica Freeway.

***

Waist disposal?

David Batterson wonders if he stumbled on to some new type of diet fad on the internet.

***

"Duh!" Award Winner A sample test from the Department of Motor Vehicles includes a question about some long, thin models I've never seen on a freeway.

***

Unofficial economic indicators

In San Diego, Meredith Sewell found an ATM with a very tight monetary policy.

***

Unclear on the concept

This video shop didn't know which end was up, which may be one of the reasons it went out of business.

***

Taking his role literally

While in San Francisco I ran into a true PAN-HANDLER. (He's smiling because I gave him a dollar for letting me take his photo).

***

Such a deal

I think it was wise of this company to make it clear to customers that it sells "modern" computers, not outdated ones.

***

Or maybe go by dogsled

My old Times colleague Bob Pool writes: "Got an ad at home yesterday from the MTA (Metro Transit Authority) promoting ditching the car for the bus...Got a mailer hanging on my front door this a.m. from Morrie Sage's Universal City Nissan urging that I 'get off he bus and march over to us with O% financing (on select models).'"

***

X-rated dish?

While in Huntington Beach I was shocked by the title of one granola product. I knew that kind of thing went on in the Valley, but in Orange County?

***

I beg your pardon!

Dr. Patrick Mauer, a spell-check fancier, wasn't insulted when he received a note from a urologist telling him he was insane. Mauer figured out that it was supposed to mean that a patient's "urine" had been "sent for culture." It's a crazy world.

***

miscelLAny: I don't mind that movie theaters order spectators to turn off their cell phones before the feature starts. But couldn't they also remind folks to turn their phones BACK on when the movie ends? I can never remember. And I am insane for culture.

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com

The new math: Thanksgiving Day times seven

2010-11-07T00:21:00.000-07:00

We received a recorded phone message from my son's high school, reminding us that (because of budget cutbacks), he'd have an entire week of vacation for Thanksgiving, not the customary two days.

I can't imagine that a single kid in the school had to be reminded of this good fortune.

***

This political paranoia is getting out of hand

On Election Day, my wife was taking the Blue Line home from downtown L.A. when it experienced problems and was held up for more than a half hour. One rider shouted, "They're trying to keep us from voting!"

***

Talk about a delayed vote count!

In Las Cruces, N.M., Bruce Welmers found shocking evidence that the Democrats did not win the 2008 presidential election. (Fill in punch-line here.)

***

Holy Toledo

Marna Geisler saw a warning about thieves at an unlikely site in Istanbul -- a church.

***

Unclear on the Concept

Geisler also chanced upon an Istanbul restroom sign whose logic didn't hold much water.

***

The meat of the problem

Ira Newlander thought the placard-waving street person who approached him for a handout was a veteran. After Newlander's daughter gave the man a dollar, Ira asked him, "Where did you serve?"

"What do you mean where did I serve?" the chap responded. "I'm looking for something to eat. The Indian place has soup but it's three bucks and I have a dollar."
"Your sign says, 'Hungry Veteran,'" Newlander explained, "so I thought I'd ask where you served."
It was then that Newlander noticed that the sign actually said, "Hungry Vegan."

***

As if finding a parking place isn't tough enough...

Bob Becker of West L.A. noticed a patch of curb where apparently only animals can park.

***

You think you have problems

Did you hear about the El Monte man who was accused of domestic violence by his wife? When police arrived they found pieces of paper in his coat that resembled bank hold-up notes. And the suspect resembled the so-called "Golden Years Bandit" who has been active making cash withdrawals at gun point in that area. He was turned over to the FBI.

Dueling signs

I wonder if any customers of one Long Beach tutor ever demand a free SAT re-test for their children.

***

Football prognosticator?

In the Bay Area, Jeff Bliss saw a sign for a psychic who said she was able to delve into the "pass," present and future. (Shouldn't she have been able to foresee that her signmaker was a careless speller?)

By the way, why is that psychics are never males?

miscelLAny

Jay Berman of Manhattan Beach received a card that was addressed to "Resident or Current Resident."

Said Berman: "That pretty well covers it."

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com

How desperate is job market?

2010-08-18T21:57:00.000-07:00

David Batterson noticed that one company openly admitted it would mistreat the poor soul that it hired for an intern position.

***

Talk about a bargain
In this economy, most everyone has to spend carefully so I'm happy to pass on the news that one Westwood food stand includes the hole when you buy a doughnut.

***

Buy a doughnot go to jail
If I were you, I wouldn't say anything about the price of pastry at the First and Hope Downtown Supper Club.

***

More food for thought
In West L.A. Barry Nackos found a joint serving sushi that, we hope, tastes better than what its name indicates.

***

That's Hollywood
My former colleague Bob Burns notes that things were really hopping in his neighborhood during a recent film shoot.

***

Not exactly standard equipment
I heard a traffic advisory for a car with a forgetful driver on the San Diego Freeway. Seems the motorist had pulled away from a pump without uncoupling the hose. Reminded me of a similarly absent-minded type who was photographed by Dan Sarokin of North Hollywood a couple of years ago. The hose looks a bit like a cobra doing a balancing act.

***

The latest from the Spell Czech
That's what my eagle-eyed correspondent, Dr. Patrick Mauer of West L.A., calls himself. He found another good one--an announcement from his medical group about CERECONS, a medical management software package. "The Conference Center staff seems to have taken a dim view of it," he points out.

***

No wonder it's so hard to get around in L.A.
The map of an L.A. website lists a 3th Street. Obviously it should be 3nd Street.

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com

Paper or plastic? Boy or girl?

2010-05-10T01:45:00.000-07:00

Barbara Joan Grubman of Woodland Hills saw a sign in a Ralphs market that said: "Pregnancy tests can now be gotten at the check-out stand." Wonders Grubman: "Hmm, would that be the checker or the box person who would be giving them?"

***

Dept. of What's Going On?
First, there were all those water mains bursting in L.A. More recently, Channel 2's local news broadcast a segment that showed Department of Water and Power workers visiting strip clubs during working hours and drinking beer while driving in DWP trucks. Who's in charge of that agency, anyway? Reminds me of a sign that Phil Proctor saw at one DWP facility.

***

Too good to pass up?
Memorial Day weekend is coming up. I wonder if the Oregon business spotted by Dick Seibel last December will renew its not-so-tempting holiday offer.

***

Food for thought
Phil Proctor also found a joint where you can get an unusual main dish with a side of hashed browns.

***

And chew on this
I might hesitate before driving a Toyota product. But Ken Bensinger found something even more daunting in Little Tokyo -- a dish that tastes like a Toyota.

***

Lexus chicken (cont.):
The owner told L.A. Weekly he used that phrase because Lexus is a prestige brand. What he should have said is: "Once you start eating this, you can't put the brakes on your appetite!"

***

Still playing chicken
Bart Boydston told the sad story of the feathered creatures who arrive at one business: "They park. They go inside. They don't come out."

***

Hard to swallow
As for the "lamp" curry menu item mentioned in my last column, Perry Valantine of Costa Mesa theorizes it's a diet dish ("Indian food light").

***

Proof that Spring is in the air:
Dr. Patrick Mauer noticed that a bulletin at Good Samaritan Hospital takes a romantic view of an on-line resource available to the staff.

***

On the shy side...
A Long Beach restaurant advertises a very proper rib dinner.

***

How the McCourts raise money for their divorce attorneys
Overheard from a fan at Dodger Stadium, who had just noticed that one foreign beer at the concession stand costs $13.50: "For that price, you should get a lap dance, too."

***

miscelLAny: Louis Quatorze (XIV) is associated with a furniture style. But I never knew what Louis III was famous for until I saw the sign below.

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com.

Take me home from the ballgame -- now!

2010-04-11T23:12:00.000-07:00

The local Metro folks certainly are aware of the migratory habits of Dodger fans. A notice about the Dodger Stadium express, a bus that runs between Union Station and the ballpark on the day of games, mentions that "return service begins in the 7th inning."

***

Polly quiere a cracker?
A poster in front of Long Beach's Burnett library branch announces the finding of a bird that seems to have been separated from its casa.

***

Avian comings and goings (cont.):
My former colleague Robert Burns, meanwhile, passed along a flier that raises this question: Why would anyone have a pheasant as a pet? Or was it supposed to wind up under glass?

***

Food for thought
If you're worried about whether your raw fish dish meets pollution standards, Long Beach has just the place to make a determination.

***

Chew on this
Jeff Bliss shined a light on a curry recipe that might be tough to digest.

***

A lot of people have second jobs these days...
And that apparently includes a certain Jolly Old Elf, Barry Nackos points out.

***

Talk about smash photos
To save money and curry the love of viewers, TV stations now beg the public to send in snapshots, as you know. And the local anchors rave about them no matter how commonplace they may be. A perfect example was Channel 9, in the hours after the 7.2 Mexico earthquake, which profusely thanked shutter-bugs for one shot showing a broken vase in a Southland residence, another a broken bottle of pickles in a store and another some mildly-sloshing water in a swimming pool. Oh, the earthshaking drama!

***

miscelLAny:
The Orange County Register paid tribute to a food that everyone associates with "wellness." At least, a lot of people under the age of 8 do.

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com.

To live and drive in L.A.

2009-09-19T22:16:00.001-07:00

Hey, even drive-thrus have limitations --- though you'd never guess it by looking at the boarded-up portion of an Angel Food restaurant in Long Beach. The intruder in this case was after the ATM inside --- and didn't get it, I'm told.

***

Closing the barn door after the driver has bolted...
I was reminded of a years-ago photo by Benjamin Reuben of a similarly re-arranged Westside eatery.

***

Someone badly in need of a sugar fix?
Then there was the 2004 shot by Donald Bentley of a La Puente landmark that had some of its chocolate knocked off by a wild motorist. Jimmy Rodriguez of Fontana says a local newspaper commented at the time that the doughnut obviously wasn’t jelly-filled.

***

No calorie worries, obviously
Ron Weintraub of Randy's Donuts, by the 405 in Inglewood, gave me a photo of a chipmunk munching on one of his products. Even a chipmunk’s smart enough to know not to bury one of these tasty things.

***

Water, water, nowhere
You may have read that the scoreboard of the Dallas Cowboys’ new stadium hangs so low that punters have been banging kicks off it. And the new Yankee Stadium has drawn complaints of obstructed views not to mention a wind-tunnel effect in right field that makes for cheapo home runs.
That’s the thing about new buildings. They always have a few surprises.
Ours out here are no different:
--Disneyland opened with almost no water fountains in 1955. Uncle Walt said that because of a plumbers strike he’d had to choose between constructing restrooms or drinking fountains first. He chose restrooms, he said, because "people can buy Pepsi Cola but they can’t pee in the street."
--Dodger Stadium made its debut in 1962 with just two water fountains -- one in each team dugout. But owner Walter O’Malley had plenty of beer and soft drinks available at the concession stands.
--The Pyramid, Long Beach State’s basketball arena, developed leaks early on in 1994. They were repaired. It was not -- I repeat NOT -- the Curse of the Pharaoahs.
--When the Getty Center opened in 1998, visitors complained of a shortage of both restrooms and drinking fountains. There was no shortage of bottled Getty Water on sale, though!

***

Attn.: Fashion Police
In North Hollywood, Alex Auerbach snapped a photo of a store that seemed to share the same bad opinion of hangers that Faye Dunaway did as Joan Crawford in "Mommy Dearest."

***

Unclear on the concept
Bill Doty of Sylmar saw a reminder that "nothing says refreshing like a nice glass of HOT milk.”

***

Food for thought
In Cabo San Lucas, Dennis Levin of Larchmont spotted a restaurant that had adopted the maxim that the customer is always wrong. A maxim long ago adopted by phone companies and cable services.

***

Pokin’ along…
Have you heard that commercial on the radio where a doctor offers to give you a "fingerprint of your eye?" I couldn't help but think of all the times Moe thumbed Curly's orb in "The Three Stooges." Curly had plenty of Moe’s fingerprints on his eye.

***

miscelLAny
"As I was walking into Starbucks near the corner of Ventura and Laurel Canyon the other day,” writes Josh Mankiewicz, "a guy panhandled me. Nothing unusual about that --- except that to do it, he had to briefly interrupt the cell-phone conversation he was having.”

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com.

Carrying on about carry-on

2009-09-01T20:43:00.001-07:00

These airport security rituals can be embarrassing. After I’d gone through the x–ray procedure at San Jose's airport the other day, a guard informed me, "You have a cylinder in your bag."
I nodded. He pulled out the cylinder and shook it. The faint sound of powder could be heard swishing around. Satisfied, the guard put it back in my bag, thus letting onlookers know that I was free to board the plane with my Metamucil.
Maybe I ought to switch to capsules.

***

Law and order (cont.):
Danny Lehrer hopes that dogs driving down the street of this Hollywood neighborhood will be careful to read one warning sign.

***

Ears to the ground
"In 'Oklahoma!' lyricist Oscar Hammerstein wrote, "The corn is as high as an elephant’s eye; And it looks like it’s climbin’ clear up the sky."
In Burbank, meanwhile, Marla L'Angelle points out that the corn's as low as a sewer's drain, and it looks like it's trying to climb out of the gutter.

***

More food for thought:
In Manhattan, funnyman Phil Proctor noticed a magazine that might give you indigestion.

***

Which reminds me
Bill Doty of Sylmar hopes that a sign at Cal State Los Angeles didn’t mean the students were becoming nauseous.

***

Unclear on the concept
In announcing that ex-USC quarterback Mark Sanchez had been named an opening-day starter for the New York Jets, a Channel 9 sports guy raved the other night about what a great pre-season Sanchez was enjoying. Just one clip of Sanchez was featured. It showed him having a pass intercepted and run back for a touchdown by the other team.

***

Such a deal
In Brentwood, Bart Everett saw an empty seat next to a "chair for rent" notice in the window. The latter actually referred to a barber’s station inside.

***

Is that "$Paid" or "Spayed?"
"On first glance--indeed, on second and third glances," writes Gerald Jones, "this notice seems to be giving advice to people who reproduce.”

***

Unoffical economic indicators
"Hard times hit the Westside," was the way Norm Sklarewitz headlined his photo of a limo for sale.

***

miscelLAny
A panhandler riding the Blue Line the other night called out to the passengers in his car: "Excuse me! Excuse me! Could someone lend me $27,000 and 14 cents? I promise to pay you back.”
He settled for $2 and exited at the next stop. Maybe that’s where he had his limo parked.

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com.

Letter imperfect

2009-08-18T21:48:00.001-07:00

At the birthday party of a high school chum, I was introduced to another grad from my school, Hamilton High. When the grad heard my name she said, ``Steve Harvey. Didn't you play baseball?" I was bowled over because, while I'd been on the varsity 46 years ago, I was just a benchwarmer. Then my chum said to her, "You're thinking of Garvey" (the ex-Dodger first baseman). She said, "Oh, that's right." Oh well.

***

Talk about non-support

In this horrible recession, it should come as no surprise that nearly everyone's holding yard sales. And some people seem to be willing to sell anything, as Sara Ormenyi noticed in Van Nuys.

***

Yard sale Hall of Fame

My all-time favorite notice was immortalized several years by by Otto Plum.

***

Back to split-ups...

"In Los Angeles, it seems, the sanctity of marriage is always in trouble," says writer Tom Greene. "But even I thought these two could make it. They had such a sunny-side attitude. But this is L.A., where relationships are a dime a dozen, or rather $1.98 a dozen at Trader Joe's..."

***

No-man's land:

In San Luis Obispo, I spotted a directional sign for wives, at a fabrics shop.

***

Abandonment, auto-wise...

In Atlanta, Rich Hackenberg found an area where you're forbidden to abandon your motor vehicle. I guess the rest of the city is wide-open, though!

***

Open real wide...

Ex-Angeleno Steve Beale, now a Bay Area resident (and for that we forgive him), noticed an office for people who put their foot in their mouth.

***

Duh! Award winner

My daughter Sarah snapped a sign that dressed down dim-wits in an Orange County store.

***

Was he a pure bread?

One of my wife's newspaper buddies saw an accident report featuring a type of dog that sounded like a marijuana product.

***

miscelLAny:

And, finally, Chasing Fire Flies magazine has the cutest ad for a Marie Antoinette "limited-edition doll." Open-necked. It's billed as "a dream-come-true doll for any girl." Right up to poor Marie's beheading, I presume. Cost of the toy is $260, which is in line with reports of Marie's extravagant lifestyle. At that price you'd think you'd at least receive a toy guillotine, as well.

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com.

A bouncing baby...knee?

2009-04-09T21:48:00.000-07:00

We all know how the health care system has reached the point where insurance companies practically station representatives in the operating room to make decisions. So I shouldn’t be surprised about the letter a friend received. She planned to have a knee operation but the insurance company has evidently ruled she must have a different type of procedure.

***

From the heart
Phil Proctor of Beverly Hills found a display of holiday cards for A.I.G. executives.

***

Thanks, but…
I’ve heard of people having their houses shown in Architectural Digest magazine. I’ve never known any, of course, but I’ve heard of it happening. And what kind of an offer do we get in our neighborhood? As a fellow on my street asked, “Do they think we look like space aliens?”

***

The Gospel according to Curly Joe?
“I had my 4th graders fill in the blanks to complete a trio of words, such as `Stop, Look and____’” writes teacher Terri Lau of North Hollywood. "Two boys who were working together asked for a Bible so they could look up the answer to `Larry, Moe, and ____.’”

***

Food for thought
I guess if you took these two Long Beach burger shops’ signs literally there’s no doubt which one you would have to choose.

***

Barking up the wrong tree
An ex-colleague came across a traffic report involving a breed of dog I had never heard of.

***

Those Westsiders sure know how to live.

In Santa Monica, I noticed they can even get special service for their luxury bicycles. Pity the poor valets. These vehicles have no radios for them to listen to-no station settings to change.

***

Show biz backstabbing
You know it goes on. In fact, David Batterson found an ad for such on craigslist.

***

MiscelLAny:
Here’s a case that could have gone to the U.S. Supreme Court.
A bike-rider showed up at the Long Beach Courthouse to handle a fix-it citation for a bad taillight on his car, the Beachcomber newspaper reported.
Asked by the judge if he had taken care of the problem, the defendant produced paperwork indicating he had had the car demolished.
Yes, but had he fixed the taillight first? the judge asked.
No came the answer.
The judge compromised and let him off with a $20 fine.

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com.

The case of the guerrilla housekeepers

2009-03-08T21:02:00.000-07:00

Tracy Hartley rushed out on an errand, leaving her front door unlocked. Some minutes later, her daughter arrived at Hartley’s house and phoned her to ask, “Who are all these people in our house?”
They were six Asian women and they were cleaning the premises.
“My daughter kept saying there was a mistake,” Hartley related, “but they (the women) kept saying, ‘Friend Sue pay us.’”
It turned out that Sue (whoever she was) had treated a friend to a surprise house-cleaning. But the women had showed up at the wrong place -- right house number but one street over.
Eventually one of the cleaning ladies called a son who spoke English and the women were off to the real address of Sue’s friend.
Meanwhile, Hartley’s 3-year-old grandson, who loves to vacuum, demanded to know why someone else was doing his job. He was assured that he had not been laid off.

***

Name game
I wrote recently of funny-sounding geographical names in Great Britain -- names such as Crapstone, Penistone and East Breast.
Carol Gwenn didn't want the United States to be cut short in this department.

“My all-time favorite is the charming hamlet of Toad Suck, Ark.," she wrote. "What WERE the city fathers thinking?”
A related question might be: “How sober were the city fathers?”
Toad Suck’s website says tradition has it that “the community was named for early inhabitants -- be they gamblers or river boatmen -- who ‘sucked up whiskey like toads.’”

***

Language!
In New Zealand, Howard Rosen found a street name that doesn’t translate very well. It’s actually the name of a local bird (but one, nevertheless, that I wouldn’t want flying directly above me).

***

Fair warning
In Germany, Susan Jagosz chanced upon a town whose name cast doubt on its status as a vacation spot.

***

I beg your pardon!

And, at a Mongolian airport, Marna Geisler saw a sign that one hopes was not directed toward the pilots.

***

Moron (cont.)

I was reminded of the Woody Allen comedy, “Love and Death,” in which a 19th century Russian town announces a village idiots convention with a marquee that says, “WELCOME IDIOTS.”

***

Good gracious
After a Channel 2 preview about the case of a murdered man, the screen was filled with this logo:
"CBS News -- Very Good News"

***

The latest bailout

Good to see that the 99 Cent Store chain is offering assistance to a needy part of the population.

***

Health fanatics need love too
Columnist David Allen of the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin saw an ad for a Valentine’s Day gift apparently directed toward the fitness set.

***

Does Fritz lip-sync the weather?
Well it seemed that way the other day when Mr. Coleman was delivering his Channel 4 report and, though his lips were moving, he was making no sounds. After about 30 seconds of the silent TV, he realized he’d forgotten to turn on his microphone.

***

Letter imperfect

Richard Seibel of Glendale sent along a newsletter that his daughter received from the Public Works Department of Corvallis, Ore., which needs to work on the spelling of the word "Public.”

***

miscelLAny

Among the burgs honored in the "20 Best Small Towns” issue of Sunset Magazine is Del Mar, Calif. The publication said the average price of a house there is $1,104,388. I don’t know why I never thought of moving to Del Mar. Heck, at a bargain price like that, I could buy a house for our older daughter, too.

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com.

Name that town_if you dare

2009-02-17T18:22:00.000-08:00

Attention, off-season vacationers:
If you’re looking for a destination with an enchanting name, you have your choice of such spots as Crapstone, Penistone, Titty Ho, Spanker Lane and Crotch Crescent in England, the New York Times recently pointed out.
Not to mention Butt Hole Road.
Most of the names have vague but possibly innocent origins. For instance, some Crapstoners (or would that be Crapstonians?) believe their name means “place of the rocks.” And Butt Hole Road appears to refer to the area’s historic role as a source of water (a water butt is a collector).
But (I almost said “butt”), I was disappointed that the article left out one England name that Bruce Thompson of Huntington Beach shared with me a while back (see below). You have to wonder how much restaurant business the Barf Bed and Breakfast Inn does.

***

The Barf Inn (cont.)
The woman in the photo, incidentally, is Thompson’s wife Janis, who “was a little reluctant to pose,” he said. “Fortunately, she didn’t notice the landlady glaring at her from the window until after I snapped the shot.”

***

In case you're wondering
On one Internet site I read that “barf” meant beard in merry olde England.

***

Sister city of Barf?
A few years ago, Nat Read of Pasadena found a sign in New Zealand with a seemingly similar theme.

***

Other intriguing names
In Germany, there’s a town you could apparently find with a map or a nose.

***

Road-ragers’ warning? In Italy, Judy Armstrong chanced upon a sign seemingly asking motorists to stay in good spirits--which, if you’ve ever driven in Italy, you know is impossible.

***

Ooh la la, not
And Alyson Ross once saw a notice prohibiting certain group activities in France (of all places).

***

Speaking of l’amour
A newspaper ad for a product that seemed to promise good sex for eternity (see below) called to mind another comedy, “Is There Sex After Death?” Alas, in case you’re interested in the answer, one researcher in the film said there is no sex in the next life, “only affection.”

***

Unclear on the concept
Kent Bridwell contributed this phenomenon--electrified wood.

***

MiscelLAny:
After the seizure of 200 ceramic donkeys stuffed with marijuana in Fontana, one federal agent commented to the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin: “It gives new meaning to the term ‘drug mule.’”

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey.

Drinking it up in Long Beach

2009-01-25T15:55:00.000-08:00

A waitress in the Long Beach Renaissance Hotel asked a couple of friends of mine if they’d like to order some “Natura” water.
What’s that? they asked.
She explained it comes in three varieties, “Sparkling, Eco-Friendly and Room Temperature.”
Tap water would be fine, the waitress was told.
“So,” she said ominously, “you want Long Beach?”
Sounded as though it came straight from a lagoon.

***

Thanks for sparing us the details
I really don’t wish to know anything more abut the crime that was reported in a Big Bear newspaper.

***

Mistaken identity?
Bennett Mintz of Chatsworth saw a found-pet poster that methinks is a practical joke. (I bet this cat is adept at playing possum).

***

Out on a limb
In England, Jerry and Barbara Hill chanced upon a shop that can provide you--or your sofa--with a new leg.

***

Hopping right along
Then there’s the local store that has just the thing for 3-legged racers.

***

From peg-legs to strong-arms
In Pismo Beach, Fred Hindler noticed a market whose shopping carts apparently lack wheels.

***

Dream team
On the television news the other night, I saw an interview with a fellow who was out on bail after being arrested in an LAX parking lot. Authorities had found weapons and ammo in his car; he claimed he had just come from a firing range. Anyway, the guy did something I've never seen before. He introduced--and thanked--his two bail bondsmen, who smiled for the camera.

***

Will this business be burned?
Did you read where Long’s Drug Stores and Rite Aid plan to swap some stores? Looks to me like one Long’s has decided to go into a different line of work.

***

He didn’t have a prayer
For your collection of Stupid Criminal Tricks, consider the burglar who broke into a church on the Westside--unaware that he was inside an LAPD crime perimeter set up for another bad guy. The burglar set off an alarm and a patrol unit inside the perimeter ambled over to put the cuffs on him. Very convenient. The Thin Blue Line, an LAPD publication, headlined the incident, “When Not to Go to Church.”

***

Oh, yes
The cops got the first suspect, too. I believe that’s called a two-fer.

***

It’s come to this
Study the “MPH” portion of this sign on the Long Beach Freeway. Yes, I guess it’s true. The state’s finances are so bad that graffiti taggers are being hired to help make Caltrans signs.

***

miscelLAny
I love overhearing squibs of conversation and trying to figure out what they mean. As I passed by two women in a mall the other day, I heard one say: “And then the dentist ran away.” From what--a patient that even mouthwash couldn’t help?

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

A real robbin' hood

2009-01-17T18:21:00.000-08:00

I caught a report on the Channel 2 news about a guy who robbed a local Baskin-Robbins but left the tip jar alone. He explained that he did so because he thought the workers were doing a good job. Wonder if any of them asked him if they could put him down as a reference on a job resume.

***

Translation please!
A friend of Phil Proctor’s brought back a menu with some less than mouth-watering selections from an eatery in China. I can just imagine ordering “Living to explode the salt to frying the meat” and requesting it exploded medium-well.

***

Still hungry?
Well, there’s more on that menu including, “Old Adopted Mother Fillet.” Not sure who’s been adopted here.

***

Closer to home
In Chicago, Dick Seibel found a sofa ad ripped from the headlines.

***

Looking for mates
You’ve no doubt heard about the pirates operating off the coast of Somalia. Perhaps those nervy buccaneers have heard about all the unemployment here. While reading a column by David Allen of the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin I discovered that those sea dogs appeared to recruiting employees in this area.

***

Don’t wake the dead!
An item here about cell phones being banned at a funeral brought this note from Bonnie Sloane:
“Cell phones going off at funerals are pretty bad, but at one service my sister-in-law attended, a 'mourner' showed up with a videocam and took shots of everyone in the grieving process.”
Sloane said someone approached the uncaring gent and asked him to stop. “At which point,” she added, “he became belligerent and shouted, `The family ASKED me to do this.'”

***

When it comes to sex, they’re animals
In one pet publication, Allen Wilkinson of Whittier came across a product that he figures may have been designed to “boost the self-esteem of male dogs and cats that have been altered.” He added: “What’s next? Breast implants for female dogs? Maybe they could be called ‘Boobs for Bitches.’”

***

Typical Southern California concerns
If you’re a procrastinator and are still working on your New Year’s resolutions, perhaps you can get some ideas from this list that a reader found in a parking lot a while back.

***

MiscelLAny:

USC alum Bob Finsten reported that he entered his son’s office pool, “which involved selecting all 34 college bowl games. Out of 79 entrants, I came in #79, dead last. My dog, Fern, using dog treats placed on 2 pieces of paper, each with one of the game’s 2 teams written on them, came in 13th, picking over 67% of the winners. I’m taking her to Las Vegas to make my selections.”
Hell, let’s take Fern to Washington. Maybe she can help straighten out the economy.

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

Could Garfield handle this meal?

2009-01-06T21:46:00.000-08:00

After all the eating I did over the holidays I hardly dare think about food. Nevertheless, I was struck by the cat food ad spotted by Jenifer Morgan. “Asia Fusion” grub for a feline is unusual enough but notice the chopsticks in the photo. Can’t imagine my cat wielding them. Eating them maybe, but not wielding them.

***

Chew on this one
Then, on a trip to Little Tokyo, I chanced upon some chicken that reputedly tastes like Lexus. I’ve heard people speak fondly of the new-car smell, but never the new-car taste.

***

More food for thought
A friend of mine nominated the accompanying as most unusual food bulletin of 2008.

***

Christmas leftovers
Rick Mitchell passed along a photo of a Texas store that he imagines has unique gift baskets.

***

Leftovers, Part II
Gerald Jones was shocked over one gross telephone being sold by Disney, of all people.

***

Speaking of phone lines…
Ex-newsman Cliff Dektar was at a funeral where everyone was asked to turn off their cell phones. But was it just mourners the warning was intended for? I was reminded of the urban folk tale concerning pre-World War II evangelist Aimee Semple McPherson, who was said to have been buried with a live landline in her casket.

***

For the careless driver who has everything
I guess you can get gift certificates from almost any business these days.

***

Now for a guy with real car problems
Steve Propes’ column in Long Beach’s Beachcomber newspaper carried this police log item:
“Third St. and Junipero Ave.: No doubt to add fiber to his diet, a male was observed removing random license plate stickers and putting them in his mouth at about 8:15 a.m.”
Can you imagine being pulled over for a missing plate sticker and telling the officer, “Honest, my next door neighbor ate it”?

***

A “holiday” item
Right, I didn’t say “Christmas” because disbelievers were obviously the target for this ad about “atheistically” pleasing rooms.

***

And, finally, 2008’s Sig-alert of the Year:
In West Hollywood, Phil Proctor found what appeared to be the last stop of one gift-giver.

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

Who says lawyers are worthless?

2008-12-11T20:42:00.000-08:00

An LAPD detective received a call from a lawyer asking if the officer was looking for his client for grand theft auto. The detective wasn’t, “at least until the phone call,” wrote the Thin Blue Line, a police publication.
The officer did some checking and found they had a huge file on the client, who was on parole for three felony convictions.
Then he leafed through his auto theft reports and found that one theft had been carried out the day of the phone call -- about a mile from the client’s residence in Tujunga.
The victim, who had observed the suspect, was shown a photographic lineup and picked out the client, who was arrested.
Who says attorneys are worthless to society?

***

Dueling signs
Abbye Brenner recently sent me a photo of a strip mall with a pizza joint next to a weight-loss parlor. It reminded me of a juxtaposition of competing businesses with in Long Beach. As Brenner asked in her note, which place do you visit first?

***

Dueling signs, Part II
Bob Reiter, meanwhile, recalled a standoff between a perfume shop and a cigar store in Pasadena. He says the perfume shop eventually left, either because of rising rents or rising smoke.

***

Seeing red
Have you noticed Bank of America’s new nameplate? Looks as though the bank could just peel it off if it needed to skip town in a hurry.
Red, in case you hadn’t noticed, is the new theme color in B of A’s latest redecorating scheme. Red carpets inside, red furniture, red signs. Sort of strange, especially in this economic climate. You wouldn’t think a bank would want to be in the red.

***

Unclear on the concept
“I don’t know what a ‘spill center’ is,” writes Judi Birnberg of Sherman Oaks, “but its placement outside a bathroom seems like a good idea.”

***

Good news for moms-to-be
I wrote that my daughter, Sarah, found a parking area restricted to pregnant drivers in Tucson (see photo), which prompted Jeffrey Lee to write: “The Block in Orange has an array of ‘Expectant Mothers’ parking places. You don’t need to park in Tucson.”

***

Shock treatment

Suzanne Moore of Long Beach read that a local firm has a somewhat unusual name, considering it’s an electric company.

***

Starving, illiterate actors
David Batterson found the following on craigslist -- a perfect Halloween item if you go by the spelling.

***

miscelLAny
My nephew, Nick Stein, noticed that everything was coming up -- and down -- roses at one intersection in Long Beach on Thanksgiving Day. There was a fight between two sidewalk vendors, who were wielding their flowers as weapons. At least it wasn’t guns ‘n’ roses.

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

That's one way to save gas

2008-11-12T20:33:00.000-08:00

I hate discrimination but I have to sympathize with the fast-food joint in Cypress that refused to serve a rowdy guy at the drive-through window late the other night. After all, as the crime log of the Los Alamitos News-Enterprise pointed out, the would-be diner was on foot.

***

Thanks, but…
Lanette Baumann noticed that the Inland Valley Humane Society's website offers medical procedure for senior citizens. Not sure if my medical plan covers it.

***

No euphemisms here
Some liquor stores adopt a la-di-dah attitude in their signage, with terms like "fine spirits."
Not so a store that Dick Seibel found in Glendale.

***

Awkward Translations Dept.
In Tokyo, Bruce Chapman found a poop-scoop plea that seemed to be addressed to anyone, regardless of whether they owned a pet.

***

They don't want to vote with their feet
Don't get the idea that everything's cushy at USC. The Daily Trojan reported that the university supplied a tram for students who wanted to vote on Election Day -- but only after the kids complained that they might be late for classes because the "polling stations are more than a mile from campus."
More than a mile! Wouldn't want to wear those poor things out.

***

Speaking of ordeals...
On the other hand, it does seem to me to be asking a lot of an amoeba to have to navigate more than a block to park, as a sign outside a music shop in Hollywood instructed.

***

Food for thought:
Reading Cormac McCarthy's novel "No Country for Old Men," I found something familiar about the passage in which suddenly-rich welder Llewelyn Moss has this exchange with a young runaway he's giving a lift:
"You hungry?" he asks.
"I could eat a bit," she answers.
"You want some diesel fried chicken?" he asks.
"What?"
Moss points to a sign overhead.
"I can't eat no thing like that," she says.
Anyway, I checked my files and, sure enough, about a decade ago Daniel Love sent me a photo of that sign, which he found in Van Horn, Tex. Can't remember if they showed the sign in the movie -- but then again I had my eyes covered in the theater most of the time, afraid that that villain with the murderous stun gun would show up.

***

It's that time of the year for Channel 9…
Yup, L.A. Lakers season. Which means KCAL's game telecasts will be interrupted by promos for sex-oriented items on that night's news as the station strives desperately to persuade its young (and not-so-young) male viewers to stay tuned afterward. The other night, a Channel 9 anchor advertised "our nightly profile of a Laker Girl."

***

miscelLAny:
During the election campaign, John Wade of Newbury Park had this recording on his telephone: "Hello. We aren't answering your call right now, because we already know who to vote for. So, please leave a message, and we'll call you right back, if you are not a politician. I'm John Wade, and I approve this message."
By the way, looking over the propositions on the ballot I found one that no phone-callers lobbied me about.

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

A pointed reminder

2008-11-02T10:15:00.000-08:00

I guess even we 60-and-over folks become nervous about inoculations. How else do you explain a sign at a clinic for seniors in Culver City? The sign listed the steps that needed to be taken in order to receive a flu shot, the last of which was: "Pick up medicine." I got in line feeling relieved -- I'd just carry the medicine home, no pain. Uh uh, I didn't "pick up" anything. I got poked with a needle.

***

Dueling signs…
Abbye Brenner spotted a couple of competing businesses in La Crescenta and wondered in what order one would patronize them.

***

A commentary on study habits?
A friend of Mrs. Only observed a curious piece of graffiti on a building at UCLA.

***

More from Westwood…
Perry Jaster of West Hills noticed a rather philosophical alarm panel in another campus building. Audible silence? If an elevator falls in the woods, does anyone hear it?

***

Don't know much about geography
Meanwhile, across town, a USC website encountered a problem spelling the name of a city in Arizona. Or is it in Italy?

***

Which reminds me
My daughter Sarah noticed a restrictive parking sign in Tuscon, excuse me, Tucson, and wondered how a driver would prove she was in a family way. Pull out a sonogram?

***

Related item
In the Cook Islands, Mike Montgomery chanced upon a government billboard that reminds drivers leaving home to prepare for everything, and I mean everything.

***

Sticks and stones…
Teacher Valerie Anne Bishop says the younger kids at San Rafael Elementary School in Pasadena sometimes mix up the two teachers whose names start with "B" (Bishop and Bemiller) and the principal (whose last name is Beecher). Bishop's first name, Val, adds to the confusion.
"The other day," she related, "I said good morning to an early arriving second-grader and his response was 'Good morning, Mrs. Vulture.'"

***

How the neighbors talk
I don't know why San Diegans love to take pot shots at L.A. Is it jealousy? San Diego Magazine carried a letter from Ocean Beach resident Christina Guthrie who complained about a previous cover featuring a "James Bond lookalike and his angry girlfriend" (see below) and speculated that they "came from Los Angeles central casting." Not a very inviting pair.
"Surely," she added, "there are some pretty, happy, exciting San Diegans who'd be willing to pose for the cover … We're so much more warm and friendly."
I tell you, I attended a Dodger game in San Diego a while back, and the fans snarling at the Dodgers weren't so warm and friendly.

***

miscelLAny: Mr.Gorbachev -- tear down this wall as well! La Habra is in Orange County while neighboring La Habra Heights is in L.A. County.

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

An early trick-or-treat?

2008-10-19T23:37:00.000-07:00

Let's start with David Chan of L.A., who saw a restaurant notice with a salutation that seemed in keeping with the Halloween season.

***

Was he up to speed?
We don't want to make any assumptions about the photo taken by Sparky Greene in Malibu but a certain ticket lawyer may need the services of a ticket lawyer.
"I called 'Stan,' the lawyer, whose number is on the car, and asked what the violation was," Greene reported. "He said it was a traffic stop for a cell phone. Also offered to send him the picture but I think he wasn't amused."

***

Don't bother the chef…
Investigating a wild party, LAPD officers saw a man look at them and then race up some stairs. Finding the staircase blocked by uncooperative revelers, one officer vaulted onto a nearby barbecue grill "and used it as a stepping stone to the railing of the second floor," reported the Thin Blue Line, a police newspaper. The fleeing civilian turned out to have a gun and was arrested.
But what impressed the cops was the chef at the grill.
"Perhaps if you or I were standing in front of that grill holding a spatula and wearing a chef apron, we might have already moved out of the way at the sight of three police officers chasing a felon," the Thin Blue Line said. "Not this man, however. No, his only response at the sight of Officer Nathan Beck's dashing pursuit was to exclaim, 'Don't step on my meat!'"

***

Anyone for sliders?
If the "actual" description in a barbecue grill ad is correct, Joyce Beffel figures it must make thimble-sized burgers. And probably wouldn't serve as a useful stepping stone in police chases.

***

Motoring to a different drummer:
Barry Rothman of San Diego was heading home when he found himself behind "a person in a convertible doing one-half the speed limit and, of course, he was in the left hand lane. The person was throwing his hands up in the air as if he were doing a wave at a Dodgers game. He was also weaving. I decided to speed up and go by quickly on the right."
And what did Rothman see?
The driver "was playing the bongos, which were between his knees, which is why his hands were going up and down. I said to myself I guess it could have been worse. He could have been playing a baby grand piano."

***

Food for thought:
The Phuket Thai restaurant in Long Beach sells a T-shirt to ensure against disastrous pronunciations of its name.

***

Back to the future
In Costa Mesa, Bruce Thompson of Huntington Beach spotted an unusual sign at a medical clinic that was closed. "Presumably, building maintenance people turned the sign panel backward when the clinic moved out," he said. Or, Thompson wonders, does the clinic treat visual problems?

***

For men only
I haven't encountered many ice-filled troughs in restaurant men's rooms since the 1960s and 70s. I remember Julie's, near USC, had one. (I've also never been able to determine the function of the ice but we don't need to go into that). Anyway, Panama Joe's in Long Beach is one of the last holdouts in this category. And novelist David Ferrell, an old colleague, noticed a reassuring sign above the urinal there.

***

For men only (cont.)
I snapped the photo, by the way. And how about some applause for my courage? You don't know what uneasiness is until you're in the process of taking a picture in a men's room and someone walks in. At least it wasn't the women's room.

***

miscelLAny:
The Associated Press carried a story about an L.A. court decision involving "videotaped footage of the late Anna Nicole Smith's breast-augmentation surgery." Anatomically speaking, "footage" doesn't seem like the best word to use in connection with "breast augmentation" surgery.

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

The stupid-criminals file

2008-10-14T23:50:00.000-07:00

Three LAPD officers were patrolling downtown when several people came running toward them. After listening to what happened, "as told in three different languages," the officers realized a robbery suspect was on foot down the street, reports the Thin Blue Line, a police publication.

Luckily, the guy made things easier for the gendarmes by hopping a bus that was coming TOWARD them. They stopped the vehicle and arrested him -- just another suspect who needs to work more on his getaway strategy.

***

Instant justice?
Sylvia Sullivan of Thousand Oaks read the headline of a local paper and concluded it was a case of no judge, no jury. Guess they're really tired of lawyers up there!

***

A little privacy, please:
Outside a chiropractor's office, Daniel Cook of Santa Ana saw an offer apparently aimed at voyeurs.

***

You get what you pay for:
Evelyn Hill of Malibu spotted an ad for what seemed to be some aging peaches. Enjoy!

***

Speaking of paying…:
Carl Hetrick of Carpinteria read about a type of event that you wouldn't think could be "sold" out.

***

One chase you won't see on "Cops":
When Claremont police tried to pull over a 19-year-old who was weaving down the road, he merely "waved at them," the Claremont Courier reported. A low-speed chase ensued. At least, it was "low-speed" from the officers' point of view -- he was on a skateboard.
They arrested him for public intoxication.
Said columnist David Allen of the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin: "As a citizen of Claremont, I'm relieved this pursuit ended before police had to lay down the spike strips."

***

Still on the crime beat:
Brian Monahan of Venice noticed that local sculptor Tim Cotterill has an unusual guard animal.

***

More food for thought:
Armand Vaquer chanced upon the menu for a sushi shop that seems to have a low regard for its L6 item.

***

Cheap dates:
Philippe's, the French dip emporium in L.A.'s Chinatown, held a 100th birthday celebration on Oct. 6 by offering food at the century-old prices of 10 cents for a sandwich and a nickel for a cup of coffee. (Normally, Philippe's charges an outrageous 10 cents for java.)
Lately, columnist Tim Grobaty of the Long Beach Press-Telegram has been receiving e-mails telling him that In-N-Out would observe its 60th anniversary on Oct. 22 by selling burgers for a quarter and drinks for a dime.
Hold that order!
Grobaty checked with In-N-Out and found it's a hoax. "We don't discount," a spokesman told him. "We never have." I love a business with proud traditions.

***

miscelLAny:
My family and I were entering a Long Beach restaurant when we heard someone on the sidewalk tell another person: "They said he was on a bicycle and he had a gun."
We asked for indoor seating.

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

A business that doesn't know whether it's coming or going

2008-10-06T00:34:00.000-07:00

Not sure if it's a reminder of how uncertain the economic climate is but Bob Reiter found a Pasadena store that's taking no chances, holding simultaneous "Closing" and "Grand Opening" sales.

***

Your Dream Shack

Speaking of economic indicators, Wendy Hornsby of Long Beach spotted this bedraggled offering by none other than American Dream Realty in Monterey County.

***

And for That Dream Shack...

Craig Walker chanced upon a Westside business whose spelling might floor you. "It's a discount store," Walker said. "I wonder if they got a discount on the sign?"

***

Flying Conditions Are Getting Miserable:

"Here's a photo from my last airplane trip, which was completely filled," wrote Susan Jagosz of Huntington Beach. "I think this is where they put you if you don't have a proper seat assignment."

***

The Third Time Was Not a Charm

A KFWB anchor uttered the word "executer" instead of "executor" three times in a story about a legal matter -- blurting out "you know what I mean" after the third booboo.

***

Meanwhile, Back on the Ground...

It looks as though a Santa Monica bus line is daring passengers to come aboard.

***

Polly Want a Ladder?

Once again crime is getting out of control in Laguna Beach. Officers were dispatched to a residence after a caller's parrot flew into a neighbor's tree, reported the police log of the Laguna News-Post. The owner said she "needed to get the parrot down but the neighbors refused to let her on their property . . . (The) parrot was captured before they arrived."

***

Tired of Having Elevator Doors Slam on You?

Well, in Panorama City, John Welch of North Hollywood was relieved to come upon a sign in a hospital that said: PATIENT ELEVATOR.

***

Man, Those Westsiders Sure Know How to Live!

In a West L.A. supermarket, I heard a man in my aisle say into his cellphone, "OK, we'll go to Dubai then."

***

miscelLAny:

Long-time newspaper photographer Loran Smith of Pacific Palisades snapped the marquee of a Santa Monica church that assured followers that casual dress goes back to Biblical times. You can imagine what good news this was in Santa Monica.

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

Wall Street gets religion

2008-09-26T22:00:00.000-07:00

Terri Lau of North Hollywood reports that a fourth-grade math teacher at her school showed the class one particularly difficult problem and asked, “What should we do to solve this?”
One boy piped up: “Pray!”
An approach that a lot of Wall Street executives might agree with these days.

***

Or you could go up the down staircase:
The elevator in the Beverly Hills office building where Christian Boyce works runs into some problems with its multi-tasking. The hard-working thing shows both the direction it's heading as well as the floor it's on. So, as you can see, the result can be confusing when it's trying to say that it’s going down and it's at the upper level.

***

The suspense is killing me:
I'm not a follower of the TV series, “Prison Break,” but I noticed that it's in its third year. Geez, when are they going to pull off that escape? And hasn't anyone on the other side of the bars gotten suspicious yet?

***

Language, please!
Jeanne Lee wants you to know that one oddly-described item she bought did not refer to an employee who'll do anything to please the boss, but to a “magic kiss butterfly.” Of course, I suppose some bosses might like one of those, too.

***

What's wrong with using a good ol' pillow case?
“My house was broken into and luckily I was not at home,” writes Barbara Grubman of Woodland Hills. “Whoever did it took mainly costume jewelry, albeit, lovely items.”
But here was the real insult.
“The way they took it out of the house,” she said, “was in several of my favorite collectors' shopping bags. At least they could have brought their own.”

***

Department of Redundancy Dept.:
Joe Dymkowski of Santa Ana noticed that a local fast-food joint could have gotten by with one sign.

***

Unclear on the Concept:
Lela Rodriguez of Arcadia came upon an unusual suggestion for preparing fruit.

***

Unclear on the Concept, II:
In West L.A., Amy Glin saw a supermarket sign placed by someone who's either a bit obtuse or has an evil sense of humor.

***

You can't relax anywhere anymore:
Mike Montgomery visited a restaurant in the idyllic Cook Islands and chanced upon a Dom Perignon on the menu that was accompanied by the words “Price by Negotiation.”
What if this practice spreads?
Imagine having to take a lawyer with you every time you go out to dinner.

***

miscelLAny:
In a men's room at UC Irvine, Chad Edwards spotted a sign that said: “To conserve energy, toilets & urinals are being flushed with reclaimed water. UNSAFE FOR DRINKING.”
Reasoned Edwards: “The warning must have been intended for extremely parched athletes or perhaps highly educated dogs.”

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

Giving them the bird

2008-09-19T23:16:00.000-07:00

The Coastal View News of Carpinteria has a ``Pitchforks” section that gives readers a chance to direct their complaints at local speeders, graffiti vandals, rude merchants and other thoughtless souls. In a recent issue, a reader also criticized ``seagulls that pull the garbage out of the city trash cans…Those birds reverse all the good of the respectful people who properly dispose of their garbage.”

Good point. But I’m just not sure that the complaint will shame those birds into acting properly.

***

Food for thought: On a whale-watching boat, Robert Barron of Rancho Palos Verdes spotted a sign that probably didn’t help business at the snack bar.

***

More food for thought: On a vacation jaunt to Phoenix we stopped at the Mission Inn to observe what is possibly Riverside’s greatest tourist attraction: the Taft chair, an over-sized perch made for 350-plus-pound William Howard Taft in honor of a visit by the President. It’s open to the public, surprisingly enough, and I gave the throne a test ride with no problem.

Of course, I ate so much in Arizona, I’m not sure I could have fit inside the thing if I’d tried to do so on the way back.

***

A real head-shaker: While in Arizona, I read that a local museum had recently held an exhibit about Winnie Ruth Judd (1905-1998), aka the Trunk Murderess, though not on her business cards.

Judd was found guilty of murder for killing and dismembering two people whom she transported from Phoenix to L.A. in her luggage in 1931. She was arrested at Union Station when someone observed blood leaking from the trunks.

It reminded me of a story I once heard about an L.A. reporter and his frustrating attempts to collect the facts on the case.

What happened was that soon after the arrest, the newshound, Warden Woolard of the L.A. Examiner, called a police investigator named Bill White and asked how many bodies were in the trunks.

``Warden, we don’t know,” White said. ``It’s a hell of a mess. Can you call us back in a while?”
Twice more Woolard phoned only to be asked to call back. When he was told for a third time that the police didn’t know how many bodies were inside, Woolard shouted, ``Good God, Bill! Can’t you count the heads?”

***

More body parts: On the side of an air-conditioner, Curtis Loveall noticed a reference to a hazardous schnozz.

***

He truly has the tiger by the tail: The Huntington Beach Wave reported that a man who was getting a $400 tattoo on his back skipped out of the store in the middle of the procedure without paying anything. He shouldn’t be difficult to spot. Not many people out there have a tattoo showing just the tail of a tiger. (This is my final body parts item).

***

A sign that spoke for many drivers: One night on an Orange County stretch of the 405, I saw a huge electronic sign that said, R MAD. Rather than a road-rage report for that horrible freeway, it was a malfunctioning sign for a Ramada Inn.

***

miscelLAny: If the 99 Cents Only chain does (gulp) raise its prices, as it says it may, there’s no telling how that will affect an inside joke among regulars. Barbara Joan Grubman of Woodland Hills says her son was in the store a while back ``when there was an announcement over the loud speaker, `Price check on Cash Register 3.’ Several people in the store yelled out, `Ninety nine cents!’”

***

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com or by snail mail at Steve Harvey, 6216 E. Pacific Coast Highway, #235, Long Beach, CA 90803.

harveysonlyinla

Strange but True Tales of Football, 2011

Strange but True Tales of Football, 2011

The Bottom Ten: The Power of Negative Thinking

Bottom Ten: Worst of the Worst!

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2011

Bottom Ten

1 comments:

The Bottom Ten_It Doesn't Get Any Worse Than This!

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 2011

2 comments:

The Bottom Ten: Soon to be a major motion picture---"Crummyball"!

0 comments:

Post a Comment

The Bottom Ten: A Division of Bottom Ten International

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2011

Start, thieves!

The Bottom Ten

The Ultimate Sig-Alert

The new math: Thanksgiving Day times seven

How desperate is job market?

Paper or plastic? Boy or girl?

Take me home from the ballgame -- now!

To live and drive in L.A.

Carrying on about carry-on

Letter imperfect

A bouncing baby...knee?

The case of the guerrilla housekeepers

Name that town_if you dare

Drinking it up in Long Beach

A real robbin' hood

Could Garfield handle this meal?

Who says lawyers are worthless?

That's one way to save gas

A pointed reminder

An early trick-or-treat?

The stupid-criminals file

A business that doesn't know whether it's coming or going

Wall Street gets religion

Giving them the bird